My Mental

If im being 100 im not fully here and I dont wanna be Im angry with all things that exist and I dont know how to handle it today was my first day sober and I dont know if I regret it or not I cant find a job cause I smoke too much but I smoke to keep a hold on anger I seem to not be able to not let go of I have a grudge against my whole family that I dont know how to get over and every time I speak about it..... I get angry all over again about it like it happend yesterday My friend tells me I need to find a new way to surpess my frustration and I told her I want to see someone in pain..... and not just any pain the same amount of pain i had to go through for 8 years of my life I know that its wrong but I cant help it I dont fully know if that will satisfy my heart but thats just how I truly feel I dont really trust anyone with anything anymore cause time and time again im shown nobody is trustworthy to thier word how I am I constantly give to people with never ever getting anything in return not that im obligated to recieve anything but it hurts my soul to see that  I care so much for those "I love" for me to be stabbed in the back every single time and I wanna cry about it but "Men dont cry" at least thats what I was forced to believe all my life but hey what can you do other then keep on living I wish I was able to be taught the right way of living then having to just fall on my face doing what I think is "right" - Gerald