my savior complex and vent

it is crazy having a savior complex.. like, I want to save/help everyone, even if it means risking my own mental health. But when people try to help me, I push them away.. it's kinda insane to think about. I don't push people away online but I do irl and honestly, I kinda hate it. I want to be someone's person.. it feels like my only sense or purpose. I feel like if I'm not helping someone or i'm not making someone happy, then I am failing. I feel useless if someone is still sad despite my efforts.. it's not like i'm trying to 'fix' them and I know it sounds more selfish than anything but I can't help it. I hate feeling this way and I wish I could stop on my own but I cannot. and the thing is, I can't even talk about my own issues because everyone is so used to me being the happy friend and I feel like if i'm not happy and making others happy, then I am nothing.  I hate it. I hate saying 'i'm fine' to one person while silently hurting.. it sucks.. and the one person I talked to about it is homeschooled now.. so now, I have returned to old bad habits and I don't know why I keep doing this to myself.. it's so stupid.. I feel like I am a walking contradiction.. saying one thing and then doing another, a total hypocrite. I feel like people don't like me, not even my friends.. I hate myself for that.. every micro-expression I see... it feels like my eyes deceive me on purpose.. like my mind wants me to be alone..