my sexuality is a delicate topic for me, romance in general

controversial(?), sad, personal

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I've known long before that I wasn't exactly straight, I've always labeled myself as bi, but I've never directly had a boyfriend, I think it's because I've been too scared to have one..I've only had crushes on girls in the past or had relationships with them. I think it's because I can't love a guy romantically. idk. to me liking a guy is just another idealized fantasy. 

it feels good to not behave or act the way I did when love was all I could think of, and when I was severely dependent, but after all I was still very young with abandonment issues sky rocking.. but that's another topic, I'm still young and I don't feel too much like that now. I'm very numb and apathetic when it comes to receiving affection, maybe it's because I don't know what to do with it, or maybe I let go of any type of closure left in me so I could hold myself together. it leaves me stuck because now I'm just here to kill time

i want to receive closure, but it doesn't feel like it used to be when it was all I wanted, and I can't receive it without thinking back on those depressing times when it felt like a high to receive it.