my thoughts

If anyone is consistently looking at my blogs, I apologize for yet another vent. I vent a lot on here but that's just because nobody I know irl really cares, so here I am again. I worry that mom will tell me I can't go to school after all. It's been like 2.5 weeks since she asked if I wanted to go and all I've gotten is hate. So, I'm worried that when we come back from our trip, she'll decide that it's too expensive after all and I'll have gotten my hopes up for nothing and I'll still be homeschooled and I'll be miserable. And she says my reasons are bs. I said homeschool doesn't work for me anymore, she sees it, she sees how unproductive we've all been this past school year (which never actually ended, we didn't get summer break), and she still says that's bs. She says I could've just said I needed change or that I wanted to meet people and those would've been reason enough, but I'd probably just be put in an art class or something extracurricular if I said that. I want a proper education, this doesn't work, theres no structure, nothing, I need structure, I need a routine, a proper one. And she has said that she cares more that we learn at all, than her being the teacher, so if we wanted to go back to school we could. So why am I getting bullied for this? I just want to go to school. Whenever it's brought up they say it like it's a bad thing. Like when we got our new glasses, of course they cost money, so when we got home parents were discussing which saving chunk to take out of because the glasses chunk didn't have enough, and mom said 'We can't use the school savings, this one (nods at me) needs it' and then Alice goes 'Yeah, Kiara' in a tone that says it's my fault. I'm not the one that put the price on those books, leave me alone, so I left the room before anyone could make me feel more guilty for wanting an education. I feel like Sam sometimes, his family hated him for going to college. I feel like an outsider in my own family, I don't agree with half the stuff they say, like they think us kids will still live here as adults, I'm leaving this house the second I can, why would I still live with my parents and siblings when I'm 40? (not judging if you are, I just won't) I'm gonna outgrow this room eventually, and mom says never to have kids and get married because it's a waste of time and energy, which 1: is a very strange thing to say to your kids and in front of your husband and 2: thanks, makes me feel so loved, totally not a burden on your life that you regret daily, and 3: fuck off I can decide what I want with my life and if that's a husband and kids of my own then it is. So I'm gonna get a job asap and save up until I can go, hopefully won't be past 20, because I'm already sick of being here. And hey, if I need to I can always go to the town I used to live in, I've got an acquaintance there (not exactly a friend, but we don't hate each other either), and my ex friend lives there too, so I've got two options, my ex friend would take me in without a doubt but my acquaintance is 50/50 so yk, more likely bad option or less likely good option, I hate that I have to think about that, why do I have to be so different from my family? Why couldn't I just be like them and we'd live happily ever after. On the topic of jobs, we (me and Alice) asked a bunch of places and nobody said yes, we put in an application for one (lady asked if we were 16, so no clue why that one didn't get accepted), asked others, left phone numbers at others, and only one we asked said she couldn't hire us because they sell alcohol and cigarretes and wahtnot and if they do, you can't hire under 18s, and gave us advice where to ask, so thank you mystery lady I don't know the name of for finally telling why nobody hired us, but there was one we asked that said to come back later when the manager was there, and we didn't go back cuz mom said not to 'don't waste your time on it, they'll probably say no' THE MANAGER WAS ON HOLIDAY IT HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH US, so maybe one day I'll go back to that one and ask again and if that fails I'll wait until I'm 18 and ask elsewhere, and there were a bunch of others we didn't ask cuz they open later at like 4-6 pm so I can maybe aske some of those too, they're restaurants so I feel like maybe I'd have a decent chance there, idk I'll see in a few weeks, no point asking before our trip, and I can also wait until after the school thing is settled, so I know when I can be scheduled. I can talk myself into a panic so quickly over this stuff but then I say 'it's fine, it'll get fixed eventually' and then I'm fine, so that's stupid. K, I go now, bye.