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One of the sometimes unfortunate side effects of mental health issues & trauma is a need to control your environment. If your habitat isn't kept somewhat clean, organized efficiently (even if chaotically) or it reflects a version of you that doesn't exist anymore... it has to go. Otherwise its just gonna bring the vibes down & exterminate ANY kind of productivity you can manage to make the ADHD goblin in your brain delicately grasp onto instead of chasing squirrels/shiny objects.

I say unfortunately because on top of being mentally disabled, I'm also physically disabled now to.            This is not the "Abundance" I was seeking in my life btw, i say to myself as i stare pointedly at my tarot cards.

Anyways, apparently whats "good" for my mind isn't "good" for my body, & vice versa. Since according to my doctors it wouldn't be "advisable" to keep moving furniture no matter how much it makes me mentally/emotionally feel better. *Rolls Eyes* 

I've definitely slowed down... but sometimes a girls got to do what a girls got to do to keep from going insane... in the membrane. Sorry :P.

By this point you can safely assume we moved some stuff around. No pics because weirdos will be weirdos on the internet, just wanted to share how excited I am for what we have planned. A little context would help about now right?

8 months ago me & my kids where able to escape a toxic environment where almost everything nice I did for myself, my kids, or the other person involved got destroyed or derailed. Tonight i sit here with our new porch layout, the latest in a series of layout changes to the house, & I feel genuinely more happy/free than I have in a long time.

Its raining. The air smells like strawberries, sandalwood & petrichor.  The  wind chimes & curtains are fluttering in the breeze. I have on my early 2000s alt playlist & I've discovered a space that gives me an overwhelmingly nostalgic feeling from my short lived Myspace days. Tonight was amazing. 

Me & the kids have already decided/started working on the themes for each room of the house together. The porch was just the only one i had worked on alone because there wasn't that much to do. I cant wait for them to see it.

The general idea is to transform our space into different versions of our favorite aesthetics from the 90s-2000s. Since there's only so much i can do with the porch currently, it will be transformed into a simplified version of a 90s style dark/moody greenhouse vibe. 

I know It will take paint, supplies & lots of patience/time. However if there's one thing I've learned so far, its that the time will pass regardless of whether i do what makes us happy or not. I'd rather pursue our dreams even if its hard/stressful because my kids deserve have a cool house, a healed mom and a whimsical life. The kind of life that we never feel the need to escape from & actually enjoy waking up to each day. 

Its true that In my attempt to better our lives, we where unfortunately subjected to someone that tried to destroy us instead. That is something I have to live with & help us all earn how to heal from, but it doesn't have to define us. 

I didn't get the childhood i deserved. In fact i barely got to experience mine at all, but i can make sure that they get to experience theirs while I also heal my inner child alongside them, because they are worth it & so am i.

Thank you to Def3ct for making friend rewind, you have no clue how much finding it means to me.