Alr so every night I get this full on wave of idk what. It makes me start doubting myself and sometimes reality, but right now I just feel disgusted. particularly at myself, for being lazy and requiring so much help to succeed at something. I hate myself and I won't deny that.
For 3 years ive been doing SH to relieve stress and "refresh" myself. After I do it I feel clean, like my bad thoughts have leaked out through the scratch. cause the thing is I don't go deep. I just do many scratches, enough to bleed and mark, but not enough for stitches or anything like that. But sh also feels like scratching an itch that just gets worse over time before I relieve it.
Ive also been fantasizing of cutting my chest open and letting all my thoughts and emotions leak out and finally being at peace.
And the thing is most of my tension builds up in a couple of days, and it's the only way I can relieve myself from the constant thoughts and anxieties. The worst times are when walking outside. I have a specific walking pattern that I have to follow every day or else everything is ruined. It's exhausting, counting every leaf, puddle, and step.
anyways should prb go to bed. (Its 0:49 am and I have school in the morning)
Goodnight!
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