No matter the day, I end up crying by night

Sometimes I go back and check his youtube channel again, I put the link if anyone wants to check it out, he hasn't uploaded in years, but it doesn't matter, those videos are the version of him I liked, and he's got a video of him talking about being in England and I remember calling him before that flight, like he was in the airport when we called, those few videos are the only thing I have left of him, I miss him, he's got a video of a tub of candy you know those pick and mix things and it's mostly jelly beans and it's like 'guess my favourtie haha' he loves jelly beans, I haven't look at jelly beans the same ever again after him, and the reason I looked back on it just now is because i saw one of those young sheldon clips on tiktok specifically of when he was in germany and that era of young sheldon looks and sounds so much like him to me and some of the mannerisms are similar and I told him that a bunch and he said he didn't see the resemblance but I did, the last few seasons of young sheldon were so hard to watch because of that, god I hate him, why did he have to make me miss him, he looks wholesome in those videos, how did he turn out to be so evil