nobody actually knows why i dented the wall

i was laying in bed trying to go to sleep earlier when i suddenly got really scared and mad at the thought of my SA and so i guess i tried to slam my hand against the wall to get the thought to go away but i did it WAY TOO HARD and hurt my wrist really bad and since i was holding my phone it dented the wall. i was freaking out and crying and my dad was like "no no lemme see your hand i don't care about the wall" but i was more worried about the wall. and then later when he was looking at my wrist for bruising i guess the way he kinda loomed over me made me scared so i flinched and put my hands up over my face... he was really confused but i cant tell anyone why i did what i did. my parents wont understand that yes i have flashbacks daily and nightly about getting assaulted when i was 13. they'd tell me "well it wasn't even rape" and "it was 6 years ago." i wish i was that stupid. im trying to dumb myself down so i can just float through the world and its idiocy like nothing's wrong. double melatonin doses, play stupid roblox games, doing things to myself that i don't even wanna name, drinking whatever bullshit beer my dad has in the fridge. its not working. im going so insane that when i found comfort in the sudden sounds of cicadas, i thought david lynch himself was giving me a sign to keep going. except i cant tell if it was cicadas or the pipes in the bathroom making weird sounds again.