nothingness will never notice my absence.

i have never wanted anything as badly as i have wanted to lose myself in the bottomless hole i have carried in my chest since i was born.

i will wait for tonight’s nightmare in the warmth of my bed;

i will not run away, i will let it find me.

my head and stomach full,

i wait for it patiently. it is the same patience with which i have begged god for so long to let this moment come.

everything that ever worried me, everything that ever hurt me, finally slips away from between my ribs.

my torso grows warm and my damp lips tingle,

but i no longer feel.

the darkness, the silence are even deeper than the ones i knew,

because here there is nothing, not even me.

i no longer have a name or a heart.

there is nothing beyond this. i cannot see, hear, or feel.

my blood turns to poison,

my hands and feet are the first to lose their warmth,

and blue slowly stains the rest of my skin.

i wished so badly that you would wake me,

but today, for the first and last time, it is not a nightmare.

for the first and last time, the tears do not hurt.

there is no paradise to reward us, nor a hell to punish us. there is nothing beyond this.

there was never any hope for those of us born with a void that could never be destroyed.

my unconsciousness will dissolve into a spiral of endless dreams after my final heartbeat,