ode to my useless, helpless, hermit self

today, i had thought too much. i kept putting off reminders of my miserable self and all of the bottled feelings and concerns. cozying up in my comfort zone. i dont think i can ever truly get out. the escape door is just an optimistic belief buried within my hopeful heart but nonetheless its a concept i often cling to or hoped to find in my crazy delusional thinking that might or could. where do i reach out? who can i talk to? often when people slur their words, so much certainty in their voices, i caught myself impressed. although it might be nothing to them, im thoroughly envious, gritting my teeth at every opportunity i couldve taken at becoming like them in my life.

my parents are my only company. they arent exactly the best but theyre the only ones ive got left. they dont know everything but they try their hardest to make up to me at anything they had done less. at least thats what theyre doing these days. getting older either makes you cranky or forgiving. in my case, my parents are both but i have enough patience from my experience with them during my whole life under their roof. plus, they also only have me left. 

im troubled, although not involved in tragic accidents or self exploitation actions, there are way too many things that rarely happens to people happened to me. i had problems with authorities, inadequate abilities, stuck in the wrong place, forced life trajectory, limited choices et cetera, and all of them which i had rejected to suffer under many times in order to live in my own free will. but the actions of protest affected me even worse. i expected to get out of this. hence the escape door. in another few years despite already proclaiming this many times in a catharsis. it will get better, i promise myself. lies. i could never change myself. stubbornness or narcissism or whatever gets the best of me and turned me inside out. im not yet the person i want to be but im also not the person my life is trying to shape me into. 

i only have friends that will talk if i will, i dont have the courage to push my words beyond just thoughts. im always afraid and now its even worse. im always thinking about the absolute worst or the negative implications from the reality of things that are happening or about to happen. its a constant release of predictable nightmares now, everytime i think of someone or an activity or certain situations, i had to draw a mental image of a safety rate. and all possible results coming from those situations. currently, it seems that bad ones mostly occupy the large portions. 

i lost my helping compass, a friend, that last hope that kept me upright from falling. i guess i didnt need it at all when the attachment we had would be erased anyway. i dont need you. i dont need anybody. i dont have anybody. now im alone. is that better?