ᑕOᑎᖴEᔕᔕIOᑎᔕ Oᖴ ᗩ ᗪYIᑎG ᔕTᗩᖇ*ੈ✩‧₊˚ [EᑎTᖇY #10]

How to get Back into a Hobby That Crushed Your Soul 

By Frederick

(2026-08-07)

I think I’m close to accepting that I don’t want to draw, I need to draw. It’s not a desire, it's a necessity. A lack of this specific expression turns me sick, I see a moot’s gorgeous drawing and I feel the spear deep in my gut twist around making guilt bleed out. I am no way even trying to be dramatic, this is genuinely how I feel. Drawing is the only hobby where I actively treat its absence like how an addict treats the absence of their poison of choice.

Perhaps because drawing holds the weight of my future with it. Being an artist is all I have, being an intellectual is merely a hobby meant to prop my artistic vision higher. Maybe because I know deep down I know sitting in a fetal position on my chair bent over my desk drawing on Krita is my calling. It whispers to me like how deplorable duty murmurs to a soldier.

And yet when I pick up the pencil to try. When I attempt to quell the guilt that claws at my face. I quit. I see the horrid, badly proportioned stiff figures I’ve created and I feel how Frankenstein feels towards his creation. Fear and worry blur my mind and I forget the steps, what brush to use, the stroke to make, the color to pick. My hope and desperate desires are splattered on the canvas and the result is repulsive. I’m left with my soul empty and virtues wasted. I don’t really know what to do.

I don’t know what happened to me and drawing in the past for the past has hidden itself from me, and by proxy stolen the future. No past, no future. My present is unstable. I come from nowhere and will go nowhere. There was and will be nothing. Thinking like that won’t get anywhere. How could it? Coming out of a mouth such as mine. Though once again I have no clue about….well this. I don’t know why drawing makes me sick, why not drawing makes me sick or why it ended up this way.

This is all I know. I’ll draw again eventually because what else is there? I’ll never escape it and I don’t  want to. With that in my mind I guess you could say this blog is useless. Not entirely but you get the point.

That’s it.

Best Regards,

Frederick the more or less hopeless (for now)