Ok

ok so i uhm. idrk howww to do this i guess. but i have feelings and therapy is functional in theory, but not in practice. there’s only so much it can do. i hate myself and i think i might be a self-centered, attention-seeking, lying, mentally ill bitch. whenever someone around me is talking or letting their emotions out, it’s not empathy, but i feel this reminder that im not okay either and i start deflating, like an abandoned helium doll. and i shouldn’t be doing that. i should be the one they lean on. i feel like my troubles are nothing compared to theirs, but the difference is they know how to cope and remain a person. i don’t. i’m not empathetic whatsoever. i don’t really care most of the time, and it feels like i’m watching myself, as in control of my body as one is in control of a crashing shopping cart. i’m manipulative and i don’t know why my friends like me or why they even talk to me. i’m living for nothing and dying for everything. my friends are the only reason i’m still alive, but i fear they’ll realize what a horrid person i am and lose them when they inevitably leave or drift. and i feel like shit for writing this because i know it’s nothing but the behavior of a self-centered, attention-seeking, lying, narcissistic mentally ill bitch.