On Anger & Resentment

This blog entry is more of a reflective statement for me in general than it is me waxing poetic, I guess. 

Over the past year or so, I’ve come to the realization that one of my family members is a genuine jackass; and that’s on me, because I feel like I’ve been hoping for a small chance that there was a part of them that cared. And maybe they do still care, but it doesn’t change the fact that they’ve gone behind my back, lied to my face about it, and previously terrify me the way that they did. 

And so, for the past few months, especially the past few weeks until today, I’ve decided that I’m going to allow myself to be angry and vindictive. I won’t hold in my anger anymore, and I certainly won’t have it dismissed anymore. I feel that I’m finally allowed to be angry at what I went through back then, even if it happened in sparse moments. Was I loved? Yes, but I was also scared that my family member would turn on me if I gave them the chance, and I feel that I’m finally coming to terms with the fact that I shouldn’t have felt that way from the start. 

Do I still love them? A part of me does, but another part of me has started to resent them. I don’t plan to harm them, believe me, but I don’t plan to forget about what they did. Given that I currently don’t have the means to move out, I’m choosing to stay with them. But in the meantime, I’m going to start saving money, just in case. I still love them, and I still care, but they’ve proven to me time and time again that they aren’t trustworthy, so I’m going to start treating them accordingly.

Also, to whomever is reading this, Happy 4th of July! Have a good time with your loved ones today, and thank you for reading my word vomit…

~Maggot Vomit