on foundational experiences and bullying

my mom said i used to be so outspoken...i remember. then she proposed the idea that someone hurt my self esteem, and now im (mostly) always nervous all the time. I am. There was no big event that made me think how i do, i feel i wouldve ended up here eventually. I remember i used to hold the belief of karma being a thing, and thats the hope i held onto during my time being bullied. Not to say it wasnt out of the blue or anything, it was bound to happen. I really thought that, some time in the future, everybody who had wronged me would get their "comeuppance." as time went on, i saw the same individuals flourishing in life, socially and academically. They attend all the right-of-passage events, are friends with all of my friends, have jobs and substantial amounts of money, and are on track to go to prestigious colleges.

does it ever get better? the classmates that made me feel horrible are enjoying life to the fullest, while i rot in my room. It's not their fault, though. At some point, i was supposed to pull myself up by the bootstraps and make new friends,(!!) while exploring the high school landscape, and i did, but

there was a time during junior year when i was doing really well. I had several tests to "look forward" too, i had friends in all my classes, and i wasnt educationally struggling. But everyday, when i sat in my ap chem class, id sit at a table with this one girl i had a slight crush on. I wanted to talk to her everyday and build rapport, as you do, but shes was in a relationship. she ended up breaking up with the guy, and the second quarter, the table that was originally me and her was extended by two other people. They would talk everyday about the jobs, relationships, and hobbies they had, that i didnt, and i'd just be destined to listen. It didnt affect me at first, but eventually, after a month or two, it kind of started to affect me. I tried involving myself in conversation, i really did, but id be phased out and would just end up listening anyway.

I know i sound like a loser. I know i am, in fact, a loser. But can you blame me for feeling as i did? I dont even know why i'm talking to you, there's nobody there. It honestly got to the point where id stay after school just to spend time with her. I'm sure she knew i liked her and just didn't care. she probably thought i was annoying, she rarely talked to me first. It got to the point where i had to ask if we were still friends, because i had genuinely felt dejected and like my efforts went unnoticed. The entire time, turns out, she just didnt value me as much as a friend as i valued her, and we generally went our separate ways.

contrary to my moms opinions about my awareness, i see a lot. I see how people interact with their friends in contrast to me. I used to wish it was me, very badly. I'd be lying if i said i suddenly changed and dont wish that anymore. I'd be lying if i said what i did wasnt corny, and i dont reminisce on the times i attempted to spend with the girl. I'd also be lying if i said i dont kind of despise her now. i'd be lying if i said im not the same person as i was in junior year, and id be lying if i said it wasnt the same person then writing this blog now. 

id be lying about all of it, and i really wish i could believe the lies i told myself about not doing x or not doing y in the past. id been thinking, why is this blog not private? i could get the same amount of validation writing these thoughts down in a notebook and stuffing said notebook underneath my bed or something compared to what i get writing here. But truthfully, i like the chance that someone sees this. deep down, and i hate to admit this, but i want someone to read these. I want someone to read these and maybe post their own blog a year from now about some random user who doesnt post anymore that had a subpar time in high school. Id love if someone made an analysis youtube video or something. It'd validate what i feel now. It'd make me feel special. I spend a lot of time trying to make my self feel special. i guess its kind of a monkey's paw type of thing, though. I like sharing thing with people, but in my head, i render the thing as "used" or "worn out" basically as soon as they see. I know how people are, things are only special for the first few seconds of interaction, even if ive been collecting them for years. There's always someone with the rarer, more expensive thing, so why bother collecting? Ai talked about me doing that, as well; the whole "why bother?" thing. I think now it makes me come off as either pathetic for thinking it, stuck up for not wanting to share, or materialistic because im not happy with what i have. if people thrive off of negativity, introduce yourself to me and youd live forever. sometimes i feel like nothing i do matters but everyones watching.

everybody leaves eventually, but not yet