I watch two friends run laughing down it all.
A hand finds a hand,, a shoulder finds a place,,
I keep my eyes down and walk at my own pace.
A table holds laughter,, another holds three,,
I carry my breakfast and search quietly free.
A chair sits open,, untouched in the light,,
I pull it towards me and swallow the sight.
Last year,, these mornings were noisy and bright,,
names flew through hallways from morning till night.
id hear someone call me and turn with a grin,,
now all of these voices are somewhere I've been.
I open my phone underneath my desk,,
a video starts playing and the memories fresh.
Theyre laughing together,, their voices still near,,
I smile at the screen while I shed a tear.
I watch it once more
then once more
then again,,
their laughter comes through while I'm stuck in this chain.
the video finished,, I press it once more,,
their world keeps on moving while mine hits the hard floor.
At lunch,, I sit where the sunlight falls thin,,
around me,, a hundred conversations begin.
a friend takes a seat,, and I believe,, maybe this,,
then their best friend arrives,, and they leave with a kiss.
The chair scrapes backwards,, their footsteps grow faint,,
i stare at the empty space,, pretending I ain't
I pick at my good while everyone else moves on,,
and wonder how quickly a person can be gone
Someone tells me,, ,,your computers so nice,, "
as though a bright screen could replace my old life.
,, its a tablet! there's websites! look what you've got ! "
but none of those things can become what they're not.
give me the slowest machine in the room,,
give me a dead battery,, give me a screen full of gloom.
ill trade every feature,, each shiny new fucking thing,,
for hearing my friends yell my name in the spring.
give me the old hallway,, noisy and wide
give me the people who used to walk by my side
give me the stupidest joke they would make,,
give me the laughter that made my ribs ache
I don't miss the building,, the lockers,, the floor,,
I miss turning around and knowing who was at the damn door
I miss hearing my name from the end of the hall,,
I miss being certain someone would answer my call
now I walk through the hallway and look to the left,,
then glance to the right at the spaces I've left
someone shouts ,, BESTIE ! ! " and runs through the crowd,,
I keep walking quietly,, swallowed by the sound
their laughter goes upward,, my footsteps stay low,,
I follow the current wherever it flows
a hundred shoes pass me,, a hundred faces turn,,
and somehow the places I knew never return
at lunch,, I call people I love from afar,,
their voices come through like a distant star
for just a few mins,, the distance feels small,,
then silence returns when the last voices fall
I stare at my phone as the screen turns to black,,
like the whole world disappeared and wont be back
I tap on their videos,, though I know what they'll do,,
theyll show me the life I was supposed to live too
there they are laughing beneath a familiar sky,,
and I watch from a screen while the minutes drift by
I could close the video,, but my fingers wont fucking move,,
because watching them hurts,, but it proves they're still true
then someone asks me,, ,, why hate school ? you have friends ! "
I stare at the question,, unsure where it ends
how do I explain that a screen isnt a hand,,
and a website isn't someone who actually stands?
how do I explain that a tablet cant laugh,,
cant drag me down hallways or run down my path ?
how do I explain that a screen cant replace
the feeling of finding a familiar face ?
I sit in the morning
I sit at lunch
I watch everyone leave me while I stay in place.
the bell rings again,, an dthe hallway turns bright,,
but nobody notices that I'm losing the fight
not a fight with a person
not fists
not a war
just me and an empty fucking chair I've sat beside before
me and the silence that follows each day
me and the silence that wont go away
because once I had people
I knew where they stood
I knew who would find me
I know that they would
I knew every hallway could lead me back home,,
and now every hallway just teaches me to roam
so I walk through the doors and I search once again,,
for a familiar face,, for a familiar friend
is that-- Ryan ? ?
no,, its just my brain thinking its him.
is that HAMMY ? ? ! !
no,, just my brain hallucinating.
I look to the left
I look to the right
and find only strangers beneath fluorescent light
the morning keeps moving
the world world moves too
everyone has someone
I don't know what to do
so I pull out my phone,, and watch the old videos start,,
and for a few stolen minutes,, Im back where my heart
then the screen goes dark
the hallways grow wide
everyone finds someone and walks by my side
and I stand where I stood when the morning began,,
an empty chair,,
an empty space,,
and an empty hand.
and the bell rings again through the crowded hall.
I look around,,
I look at them all,,
and somewhere between the footsteps and the light,,
I realize I'm walking this hallway tonight,,
the same little kid
the same empty seat,,
the same old fear
beneath my feet.
sometimes my eyes betray me in the crowd,,
a face turns the corner and my heart beats LOUD
,, IS THAT RYAN ? ! " I nearly call out his name,,
then blink at a stranger who only looks the same
my stomach drops softly,, I stare for a while,,
because for one little second,, I pictured his smile.
I turn down the hallway,, hoping to see,,
then realize the person was never meant to be
and then,,
,, OH MY GOD , , ITS HAMMY ! <3 "
I feel my heart flutter and butterflies in my stomach,,
my thoughts start to race,,
I nearly run over,, tears in my eyes,, heart racing,, picturing his face
,, I wanna go say h-- "
I stop
tjats not him.
just somebody with similar hair,,
walking past with a friend
and somehow my heart still sinks
like something has ended,,
because my brain keeps finding the people
I love in the faces of strangers it has inverted
a stranger becomes ryan
a stranger becomes hammy
for one tiny second,,
theyre standing right by me
then the hallway corrects me
no,, silly
its not the people you love.
and I keep walking,,
a little quieter than before,,
because my brain keeps searching
for people who aren't here anymore.
I realize I'm still searching every face in sight
for someone I love,,
for someone I know,,
for someone my brain keeps expecting to walk through the door.
but they dont
they aren't here
an I'm left with the hallway,,
the empty seat,,
and the souns of my own footstpes
beneath my feet.
im so sorry younger me,, but your biggest fear has just came true
im so sorry,,
I swallow my own tears,,
maybe I'll see them again some day.
/* this is the cursor that appears when you hover over links */ a:hover{ cursor: url('https://cdn.custom-cursor.com/db/7327/32/starter-red-penrose-trianglel-pointer.png'), auto; } /* this is the main cursor */ * { cursor: url('https://cdn.custom-cursor.com/db/7328/32/starter-red-penrose-trianglel-cursor.png'), auto; }
Comments
Displaying 0 of 0 comments ( View all | Add Comment )