One Over

I decided mostly to live in compliance longer here, which meant deleting SpaceHey. I feel like using aliases has its benefits. I'm having trouble really facing what has happened to me in the last two years. All spurred mostly from David absolutely hating me six of them prior. I feel like it's not doxing when I mention David, because naming someone David is like naming someone Boy. It has no unique significance. I could be talking about anyone. You probably couldn't even find him because his name and life are all so generic. 

Anyway, I do want to use an alias for the person I had been seeing for a year 1/2 seriously. Mostly because they are more confused than I will ever be about themselves at least. But I must of been really confused to ever seek daily comfort in our conversations for years. Friends, lovers, whatever. They just really fucked with me emotionally. And I don't think they really meant to, honestly. And I know to them, I probably did similar damage. I'm locking my door again. So, not much has changed with me since them. Mostly, because I hate fucking change. 

So much so, after dating them, I went and rewound far back into my past; to the guy that was so in love with me but probably wasn't. He just did all the right things guys should do for girls when they're young and stupid; and don't know what to do about it. And in Kathleen-retard-fashion I rejected all of it at the time and then found myself yearning for it the most when everything I tried to recreate for myself as a woman falls apart like the decay I anxiously pick at from the walls I refuse to abandon even though the toxic mold is killing me, not quick enough, actually. 

I need to buy new underwear. The little film strip is entirely wrecked from these black pairs I purchased at Target almost a decade ago. I made a list of things I need to retrieve at stores where I will NOT shoplift from. Everything is just so fucking expensive, it's like how can you not? I just really wish they didn't say they wanted to change their gender on me. Then when they said they'd switch back it made them seem even more made of jelly and biology I just never would fuck with as my person of interest. A friend, maybe...I like having identity-less friends, it gives more room for my own preferences and existence that seems to need all the space, most all of the time.  

I'm not even sure why I want to have lovers with profound preference and identity? We clash so fucking hard. My past is perfect. He's just ugh. I want to be over him. So hard. I don't want to read between the lines. I don't want to pick up on the subtitle signs of growing fondness. I just want to be hot and blonde. Thin and alluring. Tan and brainless. Again. 

I want him to be a teenager too. And I want to kiss him for real this time. It's not even worth it. We wouldn't work. He's a real boy. And I'm a real boy. And that just never works. I still need a mother unfortunately. Whatever mental illness lies doormat in me is very convincing today that this is all pointless and if I were more likable as a person I would be having way more fun with it right now...