pathway to an inner self

Lately, I've found myself changing things up a lot, and I'm wondering what it means. Why am I updating my look so much, my style, my taste, my own name? It could be as simple as getting older, but then, what does getting older really tell me about any of this? It begs the idea of discovering oneself, how it comes along. Maybe it boils down to chasing identities, seeing which mold fits best. Curling around a rope and white knuckling it until you slip off, trying again with a new pair of gloves each time. Can you climb up that way if you're only worried about maintaining that grip? 

This is what I ask myself. I say with the same amount of seriousness and jest but, I am a difficult person. Scrutiny is a key player in my self reflection...and I think that is my deep flaw. I worry so intensely about validation and justifying my worth that I never focus on what the guy inside ACTUALLY needs. I complain about my living but never take steps to change that. I try to be the best person for everyone else but never for myself. Wallowing isn't my intention, not at all, I just think these are traits I should consolidate. Ask myself, what is all this leading to?

I want peace for myself, not temporary solutions. I yearn to unravel my definitive self and, my ultimate long-term goal is to achieve such. Does changing up your entire room once in a while get you closer to that? I am not sure myself but, I am learning to embrace change, try new things, eliminate self deprecation and, give myself more love along the way. Once I build myself up, everything else will all fall into place.