patterns and similarities: seeing yourself in others

When I was a kid, we had a renter in our basement who was an alcoholic. For years after he left, my mom and I found bottles tucked into every nook and cranny, even when we thought we had gotten them all, we would find more. 

I broke down on a long car ride with a friend the other day about how I see myself in that renter. I talked about the shame of hiding my drinking, hiding cans in my room under piles of clothes, under my bed and even in the recycling bin outside so no one would see how many of them there are. 

I cried about how I refuse to get help or commit to accepting help. I feel bad for the loved ones in my life because I know it isn't easy to watch someone you love slowly kill themselves. I felt horrible even admitting to them that that's where I'm at right now, although it's obvious from an outside perspective.

Anyway, I haven't had a drink in three days, and I'm not committing to anything yet. I've been to a few meetings since and I won't take a chip or a tag because I don't believe in my will to stop, and fear is holding me back.