Idfk anymore I haven't been doing so well i feel like my girlfriend doesnt even care about me and I just dont know what to do about it anymore. Im trying my fucking best I know im a bitch but it still hurts and im a person who's love language is touch, and it just hurts when she pushes me away and I dont know what to do anymore and I cant cut myself bc I promised my mom I wouldn't anymore but I just cant handle it. Especially when I have my god damn headphones in dont fucking talk to me i dont want to be around anyone anymore i just fucking hate myself so much. If u know me irl fucking ignore this please. Dont even bring it up. I need a place to vent.
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s.c.o.t.t.i.e
I'm really sorry you're going through this and having such a hard time.
I want to start off by saying that I'm very glad that you aren't cutting. I know it feels like a solution, like something you can do to help, but I promise in the long run it does not help. From one ex-self harmer to another I promise it does not help in the long run. It just releases temporary relief that is not long lasting and most the time does more harm than good. I'm very glad that you aren't cutting and thank you for being so strong and not self harming.
As for what to do about your girlfriend: I recommend having a conversation with her. Lay out how you are feeling, what you need more of, and work out how you two can support each other more. Go into the conversation wanting to work out a solution to the problem together. Do not solely place blame and do not accuse, typically doing those things does not create constructive conversation. Instead word it as something along the lines of, "Hey, lately it feels like you've been pulling away from me a lot and it's been causing me to feel a little hurt because one of my love languages is physical touch. Could we talk about why you may be pulling away without realizing it, why I'm feeling this way, and could we come up with a solution on how to make it feel less like this?". Wording it in that kind of structure doesn't solely place blame on her, explains how you feel, and makes it in a way that you two are working together. You want to ensure to remind each other, and yourself, that it is you two vs the problem, not you vs her.
I am so sorry that you hate yourself. It is hard to have that feeling and not knowing how to love yourself. In my opinion it is one of the most difficult emotions about oneself to try and overcome. Here is my advice on that: try and remind yourself of things you like about yourself daily. It sounds so silly I know, but genuinely it helps. It can be small things, like lets say one day you help someone pick up their books they dropped, that day you where kind and you liked yourself for being kind. Find one thing about yourself every day that you like, and expand upon it, slowly but surely you will find there are a lot of things to actually love about yourself. Then, those things that you don't like, you can sit down and make a plan of how to erase those patterns. Let's say that you're quick to anger, okay, well maybe it's implementing a way to remind yourself to step away whenever you start to feel angry and slowly work on skills to calm yourself down in anger inducing situations. Those are just examples, but I hope they show what I am trying to convey.
Lastly, like always I want to recommend that if you are in a safe environment and in a place to do so to talk to a professional. A school given counselor, a therapist that you find externally, whoever it may be. A professional will be able to help with these feelings and work on skills to help avoid them in the future. A professional will also be able to help build on other coping mechanisms that are not self harm. Again, if you are in a place to be able to ask and get help, please get access to help. Therapy is something that is very helpful for many people and honestly is a great tool.
I really wish you all the best, I hope you start to feel better soon, I hope that life turns around for the better!!