plaything forever ( poem ) ( tw : SA and SH / suicide ) ( repost from my spacehey :p )

I'm convinced I'm a plaything. one moment, I'm in my favorite princess dress with loud noise-- smiling and giggling, maybe I'm playing with toys. oh, before disaster, everything was perfect! the next moment, Im dragged into a room. ,, where'd my clothes go ? " and boom, just as I checked, the affect that would last forever that day would never-- ever be something I would forget. Now, I wake up in a cold sweat! who knew that such a thing could still come up ten years later could make me blowup? then, happened again, just four years later. now I'm a hater! ,, cmere pretty boy , " he says ,, come help me out , would you ? " confusing tis. I was giggling and laughing after. it must JST be laughter ! but oh how it wasn't. I'd say later on ,, it doesn't ! " and ,, I hate him . " now . but oh wow did they both change me ! ,, please please don't touch me there " I plea . oh wow, he changed me! she laughed as I felt violated-- it feels like she overstepped. she was someone I was supposed to trust, but I instead cussed. ,, what the fuck was that for ? " I say, ,, its ok , every friend does that ! " she then delays, she will pay. I thought I could trust her, but instead she made me stir. a third one onto the list I guess, but now I'm a mess. just four years after the last boy, that then made me loose all of my joy. I hope nobody sees the scars on my arms, theyre red , and the harms? ooooohhh they hurt, but oohh how they feel so so good. I felt so misunderstood, until my eyes fell onto him. he doesn't look so dim! I love him so much, he deserves such. however, these three times that have deeply wounded me, he makes me glee. I hope nobody sees what I did last night, I poked the open scars on my arms and they were bright! I saw the glowing bright red turn dark, as it felt a mark. oh no , its dripping off of my arm and onto my desk. ,, SOMEONE IS GONNA SEE HOW DEEP THESE ARE NOW TMRW ! " I resk but oh did it feel so so good. I know I shouldn't but It feels like I should. shall I ever stop? no , I wont ever stop. it feels SOSOSO good when my skin opens, red appearing on my skin. OOOOHHHHHH it feels so nice, ,, I dont care if I reget it later " I tell myself, knowing its the one way I can deal with what happened. the one thing that has made four year old me, a little boy, wanna end it all so so soon.