possessiveness and needing to be seen as what I am

I’m not someone who cares about others. I’m at two sides of the spectrum, really; I feel empathy so strongly it makes me sick while not giving a shit about harm I’ve done aside from a small amount of shame. I don’t fall into trends while also craving to be normal sometimes. I’ll not care about what others think but go into a spiral the second I’m reminded that others don’t see me as hot, cool or interesting. I don’t care, but I care so deeply at the same time. It really just depends on the moment and what mood I’m in.

Due to my NPD I have the innate need to be seen as what I am. This doesn’t mean I need people kissing my feet (as much as I’d like that to happen) but I do seek out validation, love, or at least some type of passion in every interaction I have. My whole identity, as I’m learning more and more each day, relies on what others think of me and how they act to me. Completely relies. That’s why my heart races terribly at a hate comment, why I’ll burst into tears if my friends leave me unexpectedly. Because my whole identity relies on the validation of others. I’m not my own person, I’m everyone else’s. 

One way this comes out is possessiveness. Whether it be someone who I knew years ago, barely knew or know at all, or a close friend, if I see them having fun with someone else, I feel a multitude of emotions. Usually I just feel empty, maybe a few pieces of my mind firing to be irritated, but never enough to make me annoyed. I’m kindly discontented by the image but I really don’t care. Or I’ll get fully fucked up by it and get into an aggressive thought loop in my head. They’re all insects anyway, dirty insects. So why should I care? 

I don’t like people’s love and attention going to others. It’s a violation in a way, and while I can tell you that this feelng comes from past sexual abuse, I can’t tell you why it’s so violating. Maybe because the love and attention feels like something that’s mine or should be mine, and seeing it be given to someone else makes it feel like my favourite teddy has been given to a random. Deeply annoying. 

This leads me to isolate people a little. I like having people all to myself. It’s not that I want someone to have no friends and only be mine, no, I’m not grooming people left and right. But if I’m hanging out with you, I want to be alone. We’re walking, just me and you. We’re texting, just me and you. I don’t like groups, because they’re too focused on the group, not me. If I have one person, I’m focused on them and they’re focused on me. It’s equal, it’s controllable. But text someone else and I might silently crash out. I need your full attention. 

Now sometimes I’m comfortable enough to not get deeply annoyed by these things. If I’m ’fed’ enough by my supply then I don’t care if a couple walks past or if you talk to someone else. But if my supply is low then I want your ATTENTION. I need VALIDATION. 

Irrelevant, but I think this is why I’m vampirekin. Being someone with this disorder is like being a vampire. I’m fed by the validation of the people and things I interact with until I’m content, I am empowered by the energy people give to me. But if I starve for too long I’ll become a wretch grabbing onto the ankles of everyone I know, begging for a spare drop of the blood — the energy — that keeps me from becoming nothing at all. I suck the energy out of the people I know with my unpredictable nature, with the aggression I try to control, with my complete and utter oddity until they’re tired of me. I’m a creatur not fit for the people who like their routines, who like their comfort. I’m a challenge to endure, I feel. A snake to tolerate the bite of in hopes that it’ll give you knowledge later. 

Anyways, I have two boxes of my current favourite food waiting for me. I’m going to eat them. Bye.