like i said in my previous post, my "?" one i believe, i cant bring myself to take care of myself, my teeth are turning yellow, my eyebags are heavy, i havent showered in weeks, my skin is developing little cuts and rashes because im not using lotion, my room smells.
this morning i was woken up by a mouse in my room, it was in the corner of my room squeaking and messing with a poster i have rolled up over there. And ontop of that my room is so hard to walk through because everythings just piled up, all of my clothes are dirty so i keep wearing the same things over and over. I used toothpicks to draw designs on my nails and dropped some on the floor, i didnt pick them up and yesterday got stabbed in the foot with one.
My sanity is depleting as we speak. School hasnt even started yet, but i dont know if im gonna make it.
Its hard to sleep but im constantly sleeping, even 2 hours after i wake up im yawning and then crawling into bed. My bestfriend is back in town so theres one good thing.
i just sit around in a t-shirt and underwear all day.
sometimes ill go on chat websites and get groomed by pedos because i want to be loved.
they dont love me, they want my body. I dont send anything but its still bad.
i cant be helped
i cant be saved
i cant be redeemed
so i will sit and cry.
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FragileReality
Sorry this is so long!
intensely relatable. Been this way since seven or earlier! Not the chat stuff, didnt start doing that till 12 or so. Talking to predators online is so addicting.
Medication and age have definitely helped but im still incurably messy, have trouble taking care of my self, and often sleep for days on end. During the high school I remember weeks where I only went to school 2 or 3 times. just slept the rest.
When I was 23 there was a smell so bad in my room that people thought there was a dead rotting animal somewhere. It was so messy I was like "must be". The smell got so bad that I had to go sleep at my moms because it was giving me migraines.My mom and I searched but couldnt find the source.... eventually my uncle (who suffers from the same messy issue) found it... a full carton of literal rotting eggs.
Having other people involved in my mess felt unforgivable, yet it was a sin i kept commiting. Eventually I both realized how serious not taking care of my self actually was (19) and forgave myself for not being able to (24)... or at least approach myself with more understanding than I used to.
In general it got better as I got older, the over all issue got worse (for me, Ive heard most people grow out of it) but my tools to cope, fight, and outsmart The Mess got better. Which feels much better than being at the whim of my body and mind all the time.
izzysfeet
Don't cry twin, nothing is ever that bad and you dont ever have to do it alone. Everyone deserves the right to have a second a chance. Life is precious but it is hard to see it trust me i have been there but even beeing on here helps in a way because yknow human connection is the best cure for this and it much better than getting nonced on. ik this seems so cliche but if u ever wanna talk or vent to anyone u can talk to me xx.