post

I hate everything, I hate it so much, nothings worth looking forward to at all. Everything that I could possibly enjoy is just some stupid distraction I force myself to swallow up so I don’t have to deal with my shitty problems or thoughts. I hate how I can’t even do that in peace anymore because these stupid ass people think they have the authority to control me or make my life even more unbearable and shitty than it already is after neglecting me for my whole life and leaving me to nothing but disgusting scenes and arguments at home, it’s shaped me so much as a person and I hate it, I hate it all I hate all of them I hate everything and everyone so much I don’t even know why I wake up every day or go on with my daily life like there’s meaning behind any of it or that one day I’ll finally be happy, I’m not some optimistic dumb fuck that thinks I’ll just magically be happy one day with the people I love as if anyone would even like someone as boring or empty as me, I’m hardly even a fucking person I’m just a bunch of coping mechanisms and traits I picked up from the people that I hate in order to somewhat fit in, not that I ever would not a single soul would genuinely burden themselves with the horrible person that is myself or all the things I’ve been through, I’m already awfully aware of the fact that there is nobody and nothing that will ever be enough to make me happy, not in the slightest, and if they did I’d end up pushing them away because I’m just that disgusting of a person. I have no hopes or dreams, I have no talents, I have no recognizable traits, I’m too fucking scared of everything, I can’t do anything when I’m needed or when it comes down to i, it’s fucking funny I’d laugh at myself if I were anyone else because the thought of me being needed or wanted or even shown the slightest bit of care by anyone else is the worst joke ever, and to think THAT ALL OF THIS STUPID SHIT IS BECAUSE I WAS JUST BORN UNLUCKY, just some stupid stupid stupid chance that I had to be born into the situation that I am, people will tell you the dumbest loads of shit like your background doesn’t define you or that if you hold out home everything will be fine, it’s not, those people just never had to deal with the truest misfortune one could ever know, and that is being born. I’m unlucky to be born, if I wasn’t, I’d never have to go through any of this, I’d never have to be me, I’d never leave a single trace or anything defining behind I wouldn’t have to suffer these god awful feelings every day and night I hate it so much it hurts so bad I just want to disappear but now that I exist I can’t, I’m too much of some stupid scared wimp to do anything about it, I’ll just go on with every day of my stupid ass disgusting classmates trying to put their disgusting ass hands on me, my fucking deadbeat parents arguing day and night, not caring about what their kid may hear and still thinking they deserve the slightest bit of respect after, MY STUPID ASS SIBLINGS THAT YOUD THINK WOULD LEARN FROM THEIR PARENTS MISTAKES AND BE ANY BETTER BUT NO, I hate all of them, I don’t care for anyone at all and that’s the most disgusting thing about me, but I can’t help but crave validation to delude myself to the fact that everything I do is utterly meaningless, I’m suffering for nothing, I’ll always try my best to please people, whether it’s my friends who I doubt even want to be around me that leave me outve everything, treat me like a joke, or even just ignore my cries for help no matter how obvious I make it, I’ll still try my hardest to keep them happy and act like “myself” but I don’t even know who that is, who the fuck even am I if I’m always just acting and never truly being myself because of my fear of being hurt or thrown away, even the people that hate me and make it clear, I still try my hardest to do whatever I can for them, ever since I was 13 I just wanted to die doing something that another person would like, that way they wouldn’t remember me as some shitty person whose whole existence is just built on bad luck and their trauma/suffering, but now I doubt I could even do that, I’ll probably end up dying in the most cowardly, pathetic, lonely way possible, I’m crying even thinking about it right now, it scares me so much I don’t want to live through this horrible horrible life for nothing, please please please I can’t bare to think about it that’d be worse than anything, I’m so scared of it. I don’t know why I feel like this, I’m not supposed to, some stupid empty pig like myself shouldn’t even be allowed to express themselves or feel anything, I should be dealing with with my own problems because I don’t deserve to put them on anyone else, that’s the worst most unfair thing anyone can do, I don’t want to be unveiled, I don’t want others to see me for me, I just know they’d hate it all as much as I hate myself, but at the same time I want someone to understand and connect with me. It hurts so much I feel like something’s slowly killing me from the inside out, I hate it it hurts so so so so so much I just wish it’d all be over already, and that I wouldn’t wake up tomorrow, I’m so selfish for even asking that, I’m weak and insignificant nothing I ever do will ever matter unless it’s my death, but that’s the one thing I don’t want to matter to anyone, I want them all to forget about me after that and just leave me to rot I don’t want anything just please make it end. I know everyone treats me like some stupid ass kid because of how I look or that I’m younger than my friends and peers, but I hate it so much, I’m not some stupid ass kid that’s oblivious to anything, everyone always excludes me from things because they think I am, that or I’m just a generally boring empty mood killing person when you actually get to know me, and if they’re not treating me like a kid they’re disgusting towards me and say horrible things or try to touch me in horrible places, it feels so awful I want to puke, I want to bard my guts out and just die on that puddle, disgusting as I am. No matter how much I shower or what I do or how clean I look those horrible feelings I constantly have to deal with will never go away, I hate it, I’m disgusting everything’s disgusting everything I do or see or hear or read feels so disgusting nothings right at all, what’s even right or wrong I hate thinking about any of this, I doubt anyone will ever read any of this stuff, not that it’s even worth it, I hate being seen only because of pity, I hate it most of all I don’t want some constant pity party that’s the reason people who would do anything to avoid me before would interact with me now, god I hate it more than anything. What did I even do to deserve to be born, how awful a thing could one have done to be me, I did nothing I don’t know why this is my life it’s so fucking unfair I hate it. This is the first time I’m ever talking about my genuine true feelings this way because I was scared of how horrible it was getting, I was scared I might do something awful and accidentally hurt someone else or myself, then I’d truly be as disgusting as I say. It almost got to that point, the other day I was just so tired of everything that was happening, having to deal with my mom and my drunk dad arguing right in front of me every morning, I just hated it I wish I’d disappear so I wouldn’t have to deal with any of it, I even ended up hurting my favorite person and being a jerk to them. They had been ignoring me, treating me like a joke, or brushing me off every time I said something, right after I opened up to them about all of these problems and how I felt unseen and horrible, I thought that they’d at least understand me, but opening up to anyone is the biggest regret I’ve had yet. I ended up apologizing to them, after all someone as horrible as me shouldn’t even deserve to be upset at others, and they said they forgive me but it’s clear nothing will ever be the same, they hardly talk to me anymore or just talk to my other friends who hardly talk to me, I’m kept out of everything and I’d hate nothing more than to be included because of pity or forcing myself in. Im deadweight and the right thing to do would be to cut everyone off because nobody deserves to burden themselves with a shitty horrible miserable person such as myself, but I guess I’m just to weak to do that either. Don’t even reach out or say anything about this vent, I just wanted to get my feelings off my chest in any way and I’d be even more disgusted with everything if people saw this and tried to get close to me out reach out out of pity, someone like me deserves all the suffering I speak of, and anything else would be even more disgusting. I just hope that whatever put me in this situation kills me already, I genuinely have no hope or any drive or reason to keep going yet, I doubt I’ll even get that because I’m too scared to do it and knowing my bad luck life’s gonna keep toying with me for as long as it can and make me feel the worst despair possible, maybe I am just that stupid little traumatized unseen kid who wants nothing more but to be loved and seen by others, but I don’t deserve to, just drop all the pity you have for me it’s disgusting, I hope this all comes to an end as soon as possible along with myself.