Pyrite Tips and the Ursine Trifecta

Once upon a time there were three bears: a bear cub, the cub’s mother and the motherfucker.

The day in question was nothing special. The bears sat down to a meal of porridge.

“What kind of porridge is this?” asked the motherfucker.

“Salmon,” replied the cub’s mother.

“…there ain’t no salmon in here.”

“We’re out of salmon.”

“How can you call this salmon porridge then? Look, there’s a stream just a few stone throws away, and the salmon run is happening right now. What do you say, Junior? Up for a little fishing trip?”

…“Junior” refused to acknowledge the motherfucker.

So the three bears left to get salmon for their salmon porridge. Shortly afterwards, a girl called Pyrite Tips hopped onto the scene. Now, you might find this moniker a little strange. Usually, the color of blonde hair tends to be compared to gold, but this girl had developed a nasty habit of exploiting others, thus people made jokes behind her back about how she dyed her hair with “fool’s gold”.

…she wasn’t about to help her case.

As Pyrite Tips approached the house, she found no sign that anyone was home, yet the door was carelessly left ajar. She casually let herself in and quickly found the unattended meal.

Feeling a bit peckish, she proceeded to sample one of the bowls. She instantly regretted it, for the porridge was seasoned with an excessive amount of pepper and burned all the way down.

…and I do mean all the way down.

So she tried another. She instantly regretted it, for the porridge was so disgustingly bland that Mr. Kellogg would’ve renounced his faith if a spoonful had touched his lips.

Then she tasted the porridge from the last remaining bowl. It was nothing special, but it was good to the last drop.

Afterwards Pyrite Tips decided to watch a little TV and plopped down in the recliner. She instantly regretted it, for the cushions were so thoroughly worn and flattened that the headrest nearly gave her a concussion.

So she decided to hop onto the oversized beanbag instead. She instantly regretted it, for she sank down inside it and struggled to free herself.

Finally, she sat in the gaming chair. It was nothing special, but she got so preoccupied with spinning and rolling around that she never bothered to turn on the TV.

After busying herself with that diversion for a while, Pyrite Tips started to feel tired. She found her way to the master bedroom and hopped onto the bed within. She instantly regretted it, for the rebound threw her right back out, causing her to fall flat on her face.

So she went into a different bedroom. The bed within looked small, but she gave it a shot anyway. She instantly regretted it, for the bed collapsed under her weight.

…and it was a water bed.

After she got out of her soaked clothes and into a “borrowed” bathrobe, She found one more bedroom in the house. The bed within was nothing special, but she settled.

Shortly afterwards, the bears returned home with the salmon. As they approached the door, they noticed it had been left wide open and rushed inside to investigate.

The first thing they noticed was what happened to their meal.

“Somebody helped themselves to my porridge!” exclaimed the motherfucker.

“Mine too!” complained the cub’s mother.

“At least ya’ll still have some! Mine’s all gone!”

The second thing they noticed was what happened to their seats in the next room.

“Somebody has been in my chair!” exclaimed the motherfucker.

“Mine too!” complained the cub’s mother.

“At least they’re still here! I can’t find mine!”

Eventually, they made their way to the master bedroom.

“Somebody has been in my bed!” exclaimed the motherfucker.

“Don’t you mean Dad’s bed?” quipped the bear cub.

“…technically, it’s my bed,” scoffed the cub’s mother.

Then the bear cub noticed water running out of his room and ran over to look inside. “Look what they did to my room!” Not only was the bed totaled, but the carpeted floor was completely soaked.

“…welp, that just leaves the guest bedroom,” muttered the motherfucker.

Cautiously, he approached the room in question and cracked the door open to peer inside.

A few days later, a search party found Pyrite Tips’ remains near the bears’ home, and the ursine trifecta was “euthanized” shortly afterwards.

The end.