rambling about my trip to the lake, struggling with speech, and relationships

Over the weekend I both went to a family dinner and went swimming with my best friend and his new boyfriend. It was nice being able to get out of the house. This was my first time meeting my friend's boyfriend, and while I had my doubts I can definitely say he's better than the last one. He's extremely smart too, studies political science. There were times where he would start talking and I would just sit there and listen. I'm almost jealous at how articulate and concise he is. Well, not exactly jealous. Maybe in awe of? I've always struggled to get my points across when it comes to saying them out loud. It's like there's this disconnect between my thoughts and my actual words. I'll try to explain my thought and suddenly my mind turns blank. It's extremely frustrating at times, because I feel like I end up coming off as stupid when this happens. I know I'm not, I'm extremely articulate when it comes to writing my thoughts down. But I can never voice my thoughts. Its moments like that which make me somewhat wish I was different. More normal, I guess?

It was kind of hard seeing my friend and his boyfriend so happy together. I haven't really had any luck with relationships in a while, though its not exactly like I've been trying to find one. I did/do have a crush on someone but it's been... a really strange and tumultuous ordeal. We met on Spacehey, hell, a year now? And I've always enjoyed talking to them, even if we don't talk much. But for a while now, they've been making these vague posts. Now, I'm very aware they a. could be about anyone and b. they have BPD so they should taken with a grain of salt. But the first two described me to T, like exactly how I looked at the time. I even asked them who it was and they told me, but even then I wasn't entirely convinced. But I let it go for the time being. Recently, they started doing again and I can't help but feel like it's me. Or maybe I just hope it is. I get so lost in their words and how they describe how they feel about this person. And I know it's most likely not me, and that even if it was, it would never work out. We both have too many personal issues and realistically, long distance has never worked for me. But there's this silly part of me that keeps hoping and it makes me crazy. I barely know this person, but I want to. I'm aware that I'm prone to get infatuated easily and that I should just probably let it go. I think about them all the time. I see them in all their interests, in their favorite music, hell the color purple and the fall season reminds me of them. I just want to get over these feelings, because I know I'll only end up hurting myself and/or them in the end. I genuinely care about them, and I don't want to make things weird between us. I don't my outlandish feelings to get the best of me and end up ruining something which they tend to do.