rant / slight vent ?? about upcoming sophomore year!!

i don't really know how to start this off, so HELLO PEOPLE OF FRIENDREWIND!!

    in case you don't know me, i'm bee, i've just turned 15 and i'm going into SOPHOMORE YEAR!! (sophomore slump or comeback of the year... heh)

honestly, this past.. few months, i've been super freaking miserable due to miscommunication and health problems, and i've been coping by.. becoming a doomscroller.

that made me super upset, as all this time earlier, i'd been getting super better with all my health and i'd made routines and healthy meals an keeping up with my hygiene, which was something i'd always found difficult. and that pushed me further into a depression pit, until i'd stopped eating or moving entirely, and i'd stopped socialising. (not that i had anyone to socialise with, i lost all my friends and was isolating myself from my online friend, since i didn't want to worry her.) 

honestly, i'm terrified. i'm doing the teensiest bit better now, but i'm super scared come september i will fall back on all this and absolutely flunk school. i might have to ask my parents to call the school, but i'm also scared the problem will be worse if they do, since i'm not supposed to tell anyone. i kind of already told a few of the staff, since i kind of had to since i was literally having panic attacks 24/7 adn missed out on a fun day because of it :(

tbh, this might be bad but i'm pretty proud of myself for telling the staff. (i didn't get much help though, since none of us were able to understand the situation.) i'm famously horrid at asking for help lmao, i usually just cope by .. but i've not done that for 5 months!! woo!! i feel like sober james marriott!! woo!!

but that's besides the point. i probably shouldn't have written that, cause they are on here and we have mutual friends, but whatever.

ANYWAYS, i'm gonna talk about my stationery!!

i dress kidcore!! did you know that?? however in my school we have uniform (noo.. :< (it's not too bad i like uniform!)) so.. i'm planning on customising my uniform! i've collected a lot of acessories and stuff, so i'm hoping to do makeup and acessiories and customise my uniform so it looks cute!! i also got a new pencilcase since mine broke :< which doubles as a fidget since it has orbeez inside (nostalgia.. and great for homeroom since i'm usually very anxious in homeroom!!) and it has a load of cute dinos and gaming controllers on it!

i also recently over the last year collected a lot of cute stationery that i cannot wait to use!!they're legami pens and themed pencils >< !!

i'm also getting a new backpack!! which i'm hoping will be super mario and ALL THE PRIMARY COLORS!! KIDCORE SCORE!! (that rhymed haha!) and i'm super excited for that atleast!! 

NEXT UP!! relationships with my devices! 

over the past few months it's gotten pretty rough, i used to never be on my iPad, now it's all i do :(. and honestly, it's made me really upset, since i don't feel like myself anymore.

from tommorrow, i'm only going to use my device as a handheld video game player and only use tiktok / instagram once a day to check on caiti (my friend) and dinodining (my fav creator!). youtube i will still use, since i don't really watch it, it's ususally just in the background while i do work.

my phone i'm going to DND unless it's for important calls (and music, until i convert an old phone into an MP3 player) and also i'm going to only use my cameras for photos !!

FINALLY!! i'm going to follow my routine again!! after editiing it to remove triggers. i'm gonna do that now. yes

i did it! and then talked to my friend charlie (if you saw my 2nd blog, not the one in my head, i have a friend in NY called charlotte and i call her charlie) about sophomore chemistry, she was asking if it was hard LOL

honestly, idrk what more to say, bye guys!!