Ranting about my ex boyfriend (sorry for the whining)

Let me start by saying that we were both each other's first partners. We're the same age, him being a year younger than me. We weren't good for each other, and I was not stable enough for a partner at the time. While together I ended up in the mental hospital from a suicide attempt and my family went homeless, which was likely traumatic for both parties involved. The two main reasons for why I left him was because one, I felt HORRIBLE for the fact he had to put up with me. I was clingy, desperate for attention, and I wasn't on the right medication yet and therefore in a mentally unwell place. The second reason for why I left is because I started to feel uneasy around him - especially after our first kiss. I originally chalked it up to me getting bored of him, losing interest, maybe even guilt for being a horrible partner. It wasn't until after I broke up with him through tears that I started opening my eyes to the red flags. 

For starters, and possibly one of the biggest red flags that I SHOULD'VE noticed, he didn't want his grandma knowing we were dating. I was fine with that, being openly affectionate is a bit flustering and awkward for me. I can't explain it well; I just don't like the idea of talking about my relationships or people asking awkward questions about said relationships. Eventually I started to get uncomfortable and anxious, feeling what I'm assuming was pressure from hiding it away. I think he must've been afraid of his grandma for some reason... maybe because I was trans or something. 

He also had an attraction to goth girls and femboys. My best friend (who I met through him) is goth and the main reason he talked to her was because of this fascination... or fetish. He was always weirdly sexual. Whenever I was in a bad mood, he'd send me pornographic art of characters I liked to try and make me feel better. It always made me uncomfortable (even made me feel worse), but I played along, likely because I craved romantic attention. I don't think I ever got the romance I craved out of him. Remember him also being attracted to femboys? Well, I think he liked the fact I was a trans guy, one that didn't conform to gender norms either and was alt on top of that. He probably thought of me as a femboy, a label I don't really align with and actually makes me uncomfortable. I think he might've been a chaser, though I don't really remember any other signs of chaser behavior besides the femboy fetish. My memory is pretty hazy most of the time. Also, I feel the need to add that I think he must've liked or played the jenny minecraft mod - disgusting. 

Despite all this, I'm not resentful towards him but rather myself. I hate how I stayed with him for as long as I did, and for what reason? He always treated me nicely and tried to support me, and I returned the favor by being a complete mess of a person. I feel like a horrible person - I likely am a horrible, evil person I fear. I'm afraid that this part of my past, among many others, will come back to haunt me in the future. I didn't make this blog post to try and hurt him; I made it to think through my feelings and share my pain with someone out there who could hopefully relate.

Thank you for reading, sorry for all the whining.