Rant/Lowkey crying rn

I think I’ve been in love with them since freshman year. Maybe even since the day I met them in Spanish, before I was even capable of admitting it to myself. They were just so kind, so pretty, so easy to admire, and I think somewhere along the way, without realizing it, I fell completely in love with them. Not just with the way they look, but with everything that makes them who they are. Their eyes, their smile, the way they look in glasses, how smart they are, how responsible they are, how bossy they can be when they care about something, and all the little things about them that I’ve spent my years in high school noticing (Im a Junior now). I love their heart more than anything. They’re just such a genuinely kind person, and I honestly don’t understand how anyone could know them and not fall for them.

And now I’m sitting here knowing that they might accept someone else’s confession, and it genuinely hurts more than I thought it would. I found out about it weeks ago and told myself I would move on. I tried to convince myself that I had time to get over it, that I shouldn’t let myself become attached to the possibility of something that probably was never going to happen. But knowing that it might actually happen still feels like having the ground pulled out from under me.

I can’t even let myself think, “I should have confessed sooner,” because I know I don’t really have the right to think that. I’ve made mistakes. I was their ex’s best friend, and I helped her fake-date my crush while I was completely in denial about my own feelings. At the time, I didn’t understand how much I cared. When I finally realized how far things were going, I called her out and we stopped being friends. Then months later, I leaked our messages, and my crush found out that I was the one responding to her. Even though we’re friends now, we aren’t close, and sometimes I think about everything I’ve done and wonder how I could ever expect someone like them to like me. Who would even like me after all of that?

I know I’ve been unkind. I know I’ve hurt people. I know there are things about myself that I’m not proud of. But I’m trying to change. Maybe I can’t undo everything I’ve done, but I can at least become someone better than I was before. I just wish I had figured that out sooner.

And the worst part is that none of this makes me love them any less. I love everything about them. I love how beautiful they are, how intelligent they are, how responsible they are, how cute they look in their glasses, how their personality can be so strong and bossy, and especially how kind their heart is. I think of them in ways I probably even shouldn't (urgg I hate my perverted self). I don’t care what any of my hijabi frens thinks about me loving this they/them. I don’t care if people at school judge me or think it’s weird. My crush has been called chopped by several of my friends and I choose to ignore it, I don't care about they're looks they're so pretty in my eyes. They mean too much to me for other people's opinions to change how I feel.

I’ve genuinely been crying over this. It feels embarrassing to admit, but I’m heartbroken over something that hasn’t even happened yet. I’m grieving the possibility of something I never actually had. And maybe that’s why it hurts so much. There was never a relationship to lose, never a confession to reject, never anything official between us. Just years of feelings I kept to myself and a tiny part of me that kept wondering if maybe, someday, something could happen.

I don’t know if I can get over them. Right now, I honestly don’t think I can. I’ve loved them for so long that I don’t even know what it would feel like to not love them. Maybe eventually these feelings will become quieter. Maybe one day I’ll look back and realize that I was capable of loving someone this deeply, even if I never got to be loved by them in the same way.

But for now, it just hurts.

And as much as I wish things could be different, I still hope they choose whatever makes them happy. Even if that means choosing someone else. Even if I have to sit here and cry about it. I love them enough to know that their happiness matters more than my wanting them to choose me.

Urggh If only I wasn't a social awkward hopeless romantic.