i miss being able to do my laundry alone. it was my favorite chore at my dad's house. i liked doing the dishes there too. i didn't like doing anything at my mom's house that wasn't in the comfort in my own room. i honestly prefer washing my singular dish in the communal floor kitchen than at my mom's house.
i don't want to be perceived. it's all i can think about when i'm in a room with anyone else. i literally cannot focus on anything because i'm focused on the fact that they can see me and think about me. i've gotten used to having a roommate, but it's probable that i'll get a uti from holding my pee so i don't have to go to the public bathroom as often and i just wont eat if i don't have anyone to go to the dining hall with
the first week or two wasn't like this. i went out of my comfort zone, braved the showers, braved the dining hall, braved the kitchen to wash my mug. but i cannot brave the laundry room now. i just can't bring myself to do it. maybe it's that it's two stories downstairs? but i'm an active person, i don't mind stairs. i know it's mostly the people that might see me. it's mostly that i don't know how to use the app and i don't want to be seen figuring it out this late into the semester because people are gonna know i haven't done my laundry yet. i literally have no clean clothes. i want to go all the way home to do it but my dad's camping and my mom's high. and it's sunday night so it's too late.
i have nowhere to cry. i freaked the fuck out earlier while my roommate was out. my friends came to my dorm and then i freaked the fuck out again in the bathroom. thank god no one was in there. i have a bruise on my wrist from hitting myself in the head over and over and over and over. i haven't done that in a very long time.
i hate my life. wherever you go, you're there. i was doing so fine for a while, and i thought i was just depressed and lowkey suicidal over the summer because it was summer and i was spending all of my plentiful free time in bed. i thought everything would be fixed once i went to college. in years past, i also got really depressed over the summer, and everything was fixed once i got back to school. college isn't high school though. nothing is fixed. i felt better briefly, but i'm back to normal. i'm even on antidepressants now. they work for my anxiety i think. i did have a? panic attack(s?) today, and haven't since starting meds. i used to have panic attacks a lot.
i've been grinding my teeth constantly. i can't sleep without doing it. i did it all day today. i don't know what this means. maybe i need gum. i didn't eat today because i didn't want to leave my dorm and because i was waiting on my mom who somehow made a 1 hour drive into like 4 hours. she said we were getting lunch and she said she was leaving at 3 and got here at like 6:30.
i don't like to talk about her. i don't talk to my therapist about her. i've talked about everything else but her. i miss my therapist. alex. i haven't talked to her since the day before move-in, which was the 20th.
how long can blogs be? i don't care if anyone reads them or not, this is like a journal but instead of knowing i'm the only one who can read it, there's a chance someone might.
anyways i called my mom because i was upset i hadnt eaten and she was 3 hours late and she got me chinese food but i forgot about it because i was too busy freaking out, panicking, crying, hyperventilating, etc and went to sheetz with my friends afterwards who were lowkey only there because i was previously freaking out, panicking, crying, hyperventilating, etc and because my friend from high school came up but my roommate and best friend came and i could tell they didn't want to be there and i put them in a situation they didn't want to be in and then my other friend walked across the entire campus like 15 minutes to also be put in an uncomfortable situation because of me and that was my main stressor because my high ass mom was in my dorm (3 hours late, she was supposed to be here before my friend came) with my friends who didn't even want to be in my dorm all because of me and i genuinely don't think i've ever considered killing myself more seriously because i realized if i didn't exist they wouldn't be in that situation that i put them in. and then my friend texted me apologizing for yelling at me and i didn't even realize she was pissed at me but her telling me that made me realize she was pissed about the situation i put her in so i lowkey tried to bite a chunk out of my arm. didn't even break skin but i tried. brain stopped me i guess. and now i'm about to cry again and i want to have another panic attack but i cant because my roommate is here and it's because my mom got me chinese food and i forgot about it and didn't eat it and now it's gonna rot in my fridge and i shouldn't have gone to sheetz because now the chinese food was for nothing and my poor mommy came all this way and got me food because i didn't eat all day and i was really upset and then i was mean to her while she was here because i'm always mean to her when she's high around me because her being high pisses me off and no matter how many times i tell her that her being high automatically pisses me off and there's nothing i can do to make me not pissed she always just denies that she's high and claims that she's sober and then blames me for my own bad feelings even though she's the one who's addicted to drugs.
but my chinese food. i'm really sad about my chinese food. i wish i could eat it now but i can't. and during weekdays i go to the dining hall at around the same times every day and i don't want to stray from that by having another meal in my fridge but also it being in the fridge is gonna make it taste bad and also i know myself, i don't eat meat from the fridge because i convince myself the fridge didn't actually keep it cold enough to keep it from going bad and it's been sitting forever so i don't eat it and i'm really sad.
one time i dropped a smoothie and screamed at the top of my lungs and hyperventilated and sobbed for 20 minutes.
i think there's something wrong with me. i don't like myself. i hate myself. i do love myself i love clee but i fucking hate myself. nothing i do is positive towards other people i only cause harm and do shitty things and it's always on accident. and people have negative emotions caused by me and it's never ever ever ever on purpose it's always an accident so i don't know how to stop it because it's always something different so how do i learn from my mistakes if it's always a new mistake. there is only one way for me to never hurt anyone ever again but the negative emotions that i'd cause people by dying is worse than all of the other ones i could do so there's no option other than to just keep being bad and punishing myself for it and then being bad again and giving people bad emotions caused by me and only me and feel so so guilty and then punish myself again because it's all my fault. i hate when it's all my fault. why would i want to bring any more bad to this horrible world? why do i do it anyway without intention? how can i be so careless? i can't predict the future, icant know when something i do will lead to bad reactions, but it's still my fault. there are no excuses. there are never excuses.
"why didn't you just" fuck you. shut the fuck up. it's too late for that isn't it? jesus
i get angry as well. i'm sorry. i get so so so angry. i get so angry. i have to hit things, usually myself so i don't break anything. i hate unnecessary negativity. leave drama in high school, atlas. just talk to nate when he upsets you instead of talking shit about him to me. leave drama in high school. why are we still bringing misunderstanding and drama to college i didn;t want this. arguments in the group chat???? no thank you. i want only fun and happy.
i want only happy. please. there is no world. there is no universe in which i can experience only happy. i wanted to be a professor but the process is too hard. i don't want to do it. i can't even do my laundry, how am i going to be a professor? i wanted happy life where i get married and move to oregon and teach psychology and philosophy at a university. i'd have at least one cat. i don't know how i'll get there and i'm too scared and stuck still to figure anything out ever. i'm always stuck still. i freeze in fear. i freeze or panic. i don't act on things i want, i wait for them to fall into my lap. i stay still and the world moves around me and it makes me change but i still don't move i just change because i have to. i'm in love with a man and i probably wont be with him because i wont do anything to have him. my friends say he's not even worth it but i love him. he's who i want to marry and move to oregon with. whatever.
i miss harry potter. i miss being in middle school in a harry potter phase with no care for the way the world is or my future or anything of the sort. all i cared about was harry potter. i need an escape like that but if i escape i wont do my responsibilities. i already don't do my responsibilities. i didn't have any in middle school. i didn't have any my entire childhood. just school, and that was the one thing i was good at. i'm in bed in jeans and i'm too tired to put sleep shorts on. also all of my shorts are in the laundry basket or on the floor of my closet because i literally will not do my fucking laundry. i'm just gonna sleep in jeans. i don't care. i don't care about anything. that's a lie. if i didn't care about anything i'd skip my classes tomorrow, but i do care about attendance. so so much. i want to go home. i want to go to my dad's house and sleep in my bed in my room. and eat in my kitchen. and watch a movie in his room with him and his wife. and eat popcorn. and then go upstairs to my room with a glass of ice water. i'm so thirsty. i dont have ice in my dorm. i want to go all the way to the closed dining hall for ice rn. i'd break in for ice. i'm so thirsty. i don't even have water in my water bottle right now and i dont want to get up and get any.
i'm immobile. i'm just like my mom and i'm gonna end up just like her. depressed and addicted to drugs. as long as i dont do any i'll be fine. but i might, idk. i don't want to, but i might, idk. i just need help. you're not supposed to need help. i dont want to need help but i need help. i will not ask for help. i just need help doing my laundry one time so i know how to do it and dont look like i dont know what i'm doing. i dont want to go. i dont want to do it at all. my mom is high and wanted to take me but she was high and she looked so erratic and unstable and i'm so embarrassed when she's like that.
i want to be like my dad so bad but i know i'm my mom. i have the same mental illnesses as her, and she blames those on all of the things she is that i hate. she blames depression on her never doing anything and her doing drugs. i feel just how she feels and i act just like she acts. she blames anxiety for never leaving the house. i only want to leave my dorm for class or food, and those are literally required of me. i want to be like my dad. he goes through life fearless and does everything he's supposed to and is so stable. i love my dad so much i miss my dad. i want to go home. i didn't want my mom today i wanted my dad. he would've made things better. he bought my computer that i'm typing on at this very moment.
last night i had a dream there were 10 teams of 10 and the goal was to climb this steep thing. idk how else to describe it, it was a steep thing. we had to pre-plan our order of people, and we needed the fastest person in the front and the slowest in the back so no one got slowed down. i planned it with this dude and we said he should be fourth because he was the shortest of the males on the team but taller than all the girls and i was planning based on height because it was kinda a running thing and longer legs would get an advantage. i was planned to be second to last but i ended up being behind him (5th) because all of the girls were equally unsure about their athletic ability. the guy ended up being the fastest of all, and i the slowest. he surpassed everyone in front of him and i got surpassed by everyone behind me. the next challege was squats and i tried to flex my quads to prove i'd be good at it but there was zero muscle. i was confused because i knew i still had muscle from going to the gym for two years, even though i don't go anymore.
today was a really really really really really bad day. 2026=10, 9+13= 13 = 4+10= 5 so 5 is now an unlucky number.
but even that hardest of hearts unhardened suddenly when he saw her there persephone in her mothers garden sun on her shoulders wind in her hair the smell of the flowers she held in her hand and the pollen that fell from her fingertips and suddenly hades was only a man with the taste of nectar upon his lips singing la la la la la la laaa. laaa la la la la la laaaa. oh singing laaa la la la la lalaaaa. la lalala lala.
i miss my dad and his wife. i don't call her my step mom, she was my dad's girlfriend and then my dad's fiancee and now my dad's wife. i love yulia. she's so awesome. a little transphobic but yk everyone has their fatal flaw.
i'm so sleepy. sleep in jeans time.
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