Recently

Lowkey this is just going to be a little ventish but I don't really have anyone to tell it to, and mostly just want this to go into the void.

I feel as if lately my body and mind have been deteriorating, I know its probably just some sort of mental disorder that I probably have, but because of the position that I am in life wise have to just suck it up? Lately it has been harder and harder to do so, because of my both sick parents, one who's completely unable to work, and one who's working herself too much when she is physically disabled. I feel as though I do not have the right to deteriorate and put up a fuss when my mother is already dealing with as much as she is now. My immediate family is not the most emotionally open to these types of topics and both my siblings are out there with there own families hours away from me. My house is eerily still and quite sometimes with just my dog to keep me company, all my close friends are busy or like half an hour away from me in a different city.

 I cannot drive nor do I have a job, even though my mom is tired she does not want me to get a job and just wants me to focus on school. I have a permit but no one or car to teach or use, so I am stuck in my home unless I prepare hours in advance to meet my friends or go out. When I do go out spontaneously it is with my parents, I have stated to both of them I wanted to use public transport in my home city but I live in an unfortunate area were It is not safe to do so. I feel like I'm hitting a brick wall whenever I try and do something, I don't talk to anyone at collage when I do go and even then I am failing most of the time recently and I am getting scared. I am scared to go back to the one place i am supposed to be at.

My room is borderline filthy were I can sit on half my couch bed thing and at a small corner of my desk. I cant get myself to clean it most of the time, the only thing I can seem to stay clean is myself, I was bullied early on for my lack of hygiene as a kid so now its the only thing I can maintain. My last sense of respect for myself, before I think I might quite literally just rot in my bed and lately even that has started to get hard. I am positive I probably have some form of depression I think, maybe generalized anxiety that has recently been turned to people. It has gotten harder and harder for me to socialize in person, I have one close friend I have mentioned some of this stuff too and he thinks I might have something worse. It kind of bothers me because I feel like I am the most unmasked, masked person ever if that makes sense. 

I have always struggled with my sense of ability to do things, I know I have some form of learning disability but it was never looked into further than accommodations. I am "smart" as they say, but not smart enough, I look capable but I am also considered erratic and some have joked that I obviously am not normal. Yet everyone else when I genuinely bring it up say I cant because I am capable of certain things, so I feel as if I am in a certain limbo, sick enough to struggle yes, but not enough for a label. No one has seen my room, me at my lowest, me when I am by myself when I am the most me, even then the me I am has been brought under questioning. 

I know I have had one therapist in middle school, it was never stuck to one therapist, always temporary, always a new person. Always the same tactics, the same things for the small pieces of information I feel was appropriate to give at the time. I think one might have brought up anxiety and depression, but it was never stated to me directly, I think it was only to my mom so I was out of the loop on my own things. I think near the end when we had one session in person she said I was cured of depression. I don't think that's a curable. 

As of right now I don't think anything will change, I will probably sign up for one or two courses a week before the semester and almost fail both. I will continue going to school, continue doing what I am doing now. I have no doubt about it, I will have my ups and down, lets just see where I am in the next 5 years. 

Thank you for reading, skimming, or reading the first few sentences of this disaster dairy. Thank you to that random internet person, friend, FBI agent, digital footprint, you for reading.

 Have a lovely day.