relationships & lying (to you) & me (disclaimer)

I went back and read one. yes, i said id never do that. actually, i went back a read a few. I want to just establish some things you probably know already.

i have friends

I worked hard and not at all to end up in the position im in now. sadly the 'diary' doesnt paint an exact picture. I try my very best not to modify things so that i look like a better person. im sure when i do, its evident. most people don't talk about the better days that they have on a diary, its only when something bad happens. I spent all last week attempting to write about something positive, and ultimately failed until just a couple minutes ago. writing about postive things is hard! i don't sit and ruminate on the donuts i got with friends, i sit and ruminate on the microscopic mishap that i've now deluded myself into thinking defines my entire life. I say this jokingly, but the funny jokes have a little truth to them. This one isnt funny because its just true, not made up of a little bit of it. 

me & people are weird

i try to end things on positive terms with my exs, maybe too much. other than here, i wouldnt want anybody's last memory of me to be an argument. yesterday was a big day. That friend-to-enemy-to-friend i referred to i've probably mentioned before on this blog somewhere, and to save you time and trouble; we used to be friends. Could you tell? We had a wonderful friendship about a couple summers ago, and i ruined it by saying that i wish i couldve found someone like her that wasnt gay. She's gay. Could you tell? she didn't take to kindly to what she thought was me hitting on her, and we stopped being friends, i can't say how she felt, but i felt like a dickhead. The word dickhead and myself go hand in hand. We kind of made up, but then argued again a while later about who she was dating. satan. she was dating satan reincarnated into a teenage girl, and i tried to tell her as such subtly. didn't deter her, though. they continue dating, and while im recounting my grievances with the girl friend-to- is dating , friend-to- tells me to stop talking about her, as if i was trying to insult her. satan reincarnate wrote-off my birthday to my face, engaged in friendcest with almost everyone in the group, used to talk to me and then retroactively said that it didn't count after basically ghosting me, upon other things. I said as much, and we shared some harsh words and stopped being friends. The moment we started being friends again was last night, and im trying to battleship my way into a regular friendship again, if im successful, you probably wont hear about it lol.

I try my best to end things on a good note, or if its evident ive done something to piss someone off, i try my best to apologize and make it up to them. I pull people to the side and apologize and explain what i was trying to do by justifying it, not a good apology, but its better than none, right? I'm not good at apologizing, but i'm very good at fucking up, i wish they went hand in hand instead of me and being a dickhead, but wishsight is 20/20.

i have normal days sometimes

on the days i dont write, i feel as though i dont have enough emotional turmoil or realizations to write about...or im just busy and tired. often times im just busy and tired. i've noticed that the blogs where i mention negative things often get more interaction, and interaction is something i love, so i've sadly played into it, just a little. out of all of my blogs, id say maybe a paragraph or two were just because i was in a bad mood and i really wanted someone to read it. most of my negative blogs were the result of what i had or have experienced. this, very sadly, isnt a larp

i do bad things

i usually tell of things happening to me, but from the previous paragraphs in this entry, i do, in fact, do bad things. Could you tell? Practically all of the situations i write about i had some sort of hand in, and thats why i write about them. I'm probably participating in hindsight bias, and im trying to adopt the identity of "whatever happened happened and you can only control what happens in the future" but its challenging to change your personality over the timespan of a few entries in an online blogs

other things

whenever you respond, i read. i read everything you say. i used to, essentially, ignore it (if advice), but i've been trying to actually take the advice and utilize it in real life. there, sadly, is a real person writing these.