restarting life at 25

when i was 19, i threw most of my belongings in a couple trash bags and left my parents house for the first time. i moved in with my boyfriend at the time; i had never lived anywhere else before. i remember that night my best friend asked me to come over to smoke, and i asked my boyfriend for permission to go. he was so appalled i had asked LOL.

from then on i hadn't lived with my parents. from his place, i got my own apartment in my own name and lived there 2 years. then i lived with my sister. then again with another ex. then by myself. and then, lastly, with another ex. since our engagement did not go as planned, i am back at my parents. at square one. a shittier job than when i had left. no plan of anything. 

i never thought i would be starting my life over again, for a second time, at 25. i thought by now i would be married, maybe even bearing a child. instead, i am living with my two cats in my parents backroom, unable to even cover my bills. the way life moves is fucking insane. they did NOT lie when they say after high school it all flies by. 

i have been struggling so hard with my situation. i feel like i have only regressed. it makes me not want to even try to move forward. just this overbearing, illuminating feeling of "i ruined my life" burning a hole inside my chest. 

the only thing that has really given me any hope is my sister and cousin separately assuring me "You are not behind." both years ahead of me and established telling me they were where i was too. to think these beautiful, strong, smart women were once in my shoes. once felt small and incapable. once felt like it wasn't gonna get better. holding my hand, looking me in the eyes, seeing what i AM and CAN be, willing me to move forward. 

so badly i want to give up, give in, say fuck it all. to take this terrible burden off my shoulders. 

i often think what i will do. between me and you, i genuinely have no fucking idea. but i know i will come out of it. i known i won't let that burning feeling melt me down. i know these things needed to happen. i know i am lead here for a reason.