return address, by transit - timestamp 1:25

I think the relationship between you and me may be built on a lie, so im sorry. im really not that smart. from day to day, im not utilizing words like "utilize" and "seldom." i try to 'intelligize' my writing a little when im making blogs, but honestly, nobody talks like that. I'll be the last to admit it, i want you to think of my highly even if the blog itself is depressing. it some sort of bias...i forget the name. but realistic conversations are what i want to portray, so i'll start talking realistically more often than not. thats the disclaimer.

i went back on my word, im sorry, again! and this time, i dont know how to feel. literally earlier today i was talking to a new girl. she's in pennsylvania, she's nice, and she looks REALLY good. only part that has me hung up is that she's a junior and im a senior. Im not sure why, but ive always made it a point to find someone in my grade or older, and lll be the last to admit it, you guys fucking suck! there's no whimsy, hobbies, anything. i've seldom had a pleasurable experience with someone born from the year 2008. from what i know, 3 good people from that year exist, and its a miracle we even got that! i have a general distain for people born in 2008...as someone born in 2009. i know its ironic, but being born in the time of significant financial struggle has genuinely shaped 2008ers' entire personality, they're mostly insufferable. That stupid satan girl was born in 2008, just to name ONE. That girl played in my face about nobody wishing me happy birthday, left me on ghost when we were talking, made up an excuse to dump one of my other friends to go back with her ex, and she's not even that good looking. She's not even pretty enough to look past what she's done, and it really doesn't take that much for most people. 

if a person is too pretty, they automatically register as evil. I don't know why, but the process is, "wow she's pretty," wow, she's out of my league," "wow, she's probably evil." its not that they're out of my league and therefore evil, but indulge me for a moment.

The girl i mentioned a few entries ago that called me a 0/10, that was my crush. She was way out of my league at the time, and im pretty sure, although i didn't say it to myself, i KNEW it subconsciously. Then, it was less of a her thing and more of a "i got what i deserved" kind of thing. That's impacted who i talk to now, what kind of women i like, everything about my dating life, etc. I've shot my shot before, and missed. Not once has any girl ever responded to my ugly ass on any platform. listen, the first 20 times are flukes, maybe. but when the 40th or so girl leaves you on fucking delivered, you begin to think the issue is you, no matter what your self esteem may be. 

im not that bad looking, id consider myself unconventionally attractive. I know, im punching above the belt here, I really think im just about bottom of the barrel on the scale of looks, but let me explain why. When you're ugly, people have no issue calling you ugly, because they genuinely believe you are. the things coming out of their mouths and the thoughts they think in their heads line up perfectly, and insults flow out. It's happened to me plenty of times. However, when you're just not ugly enough to be called ugly, people tiptoe. you're like a fallback incase the first dude someone is talking to is secretly hitler. Often times not, so you're, i'm, just lonely. saying youre just fucking ugly to your face would be incorrect, so people come up with ways to skirt around it.

this entry took me multiple days, i dont know how to feel. im currently playing message tennis with multiple girls. theres one girl here, in illinois, whos further away than my talking stage. she looks worse than my talking stage, but has what i can only assume to be a better personality. i knew my talking stage more than anyone ive known in a while and blew my chance. why did i do that man? I don't have an answer. Can you tell?

i cant mix my vocals for songs and have them not sound like shit. its actaully making me mad, im very desperate to learn how. unfortunately my voice is awkwardly low, so my range is different to most peoples, so i have a harder time. my microphone sucking actual dick doesnt help either. i'd led me away from making songs in the past, and is starting to again now. surprisingly, i dont want to sound like absolute shit when i record. Can you tell?

I don't like the position i put myself in, but i dont foresee a way out, so i guess ill just lie in the bed i made