RRRRRAUUUGUHHUHUHHHMHHMMMMM

IM FUCKING ENRAGED TO MY COREEEEEUHHGMHMLTKGTLMT (probably writing this in ptsd episode)

a lesson ago i was notified that we are getting our flu shots today. for the whole lesson up to now ive been thinking about a billion ideas about what could happen when i go down to get the flu. my ex. my stupid little ex who i am disgusted to my core by. is in my school. so i knew that unless he skipped, he would also be down there (ignore the constant swap of pronouns idgaf rn). so anything could happen. 

when i go down there my hypervigilant little self is looking around the cafeteria to see if they're there because, if there's a threat, i want to know where it is at all times and ive had that behaviour since i was 10. so i look around and i see them ugly as fucking ever sitting all giddy with their friends who they do not deserve at all. i get a nervous shock through my heart as if i had just seen the most devilish thing known to man and sit down with my back to them because i am, despise my anger, admittedly TERRIFIED of them. and for the rest of the time i am in that cafeteria i am a mix of utter anger and fear. they abused me so 'i wouldnt miss them when they killed themselves' but i left them and they... didnt kill themselves. im raging. if you're going to fuck up an abuse victim at least do what you actually meant to do after it, and believe me i said that VERY LOUDLY when that giddy little bitch left. skipping around like shit's cute. shut the fuck up.

now they did do good things for me i wont deny that but the amount of bullshittery they also caused (mainly making my morality ocd a billion times worse) completely makes me forget about that. i hope that bitch dies i have nightmares about them they're the ugliest thing ever and now they're a part of my stupid c-ptsd and now theyre a trigger because they couldnt fucking recover for me FUUCCKKKKK