RUSHED AND RAMBLING ENTRY: DISAPPOINTMENT

I'm not going to take the time to polish this into something descriptive like I usually do since I have lots of homework and sleep to catch up on in the next hour... But I would like to give updates on my freshman year. Just started highschool, actually. It's an all girls school, catholic! I appreciate the religious atmosphere, I feel more comfortable spreading the gospel and praying to God. They could push me to involve myself more in my religion. Often, I find myself juggling so many topics that I hardly devote myself to them. At least, individually... so it's quite rare for me to go into flow state. Perhaps that's why I love studying and homework so much. It allows me to be in a state of focus all the time. It's .. zen? In a way? I feel so at peace. And because of my curiosity, it makes it better.

I don't have a problem with having no friends at that school. I have like, one though, and that's okay. I think I get along with adults more than I do with other children.  I think some friendships are merging, but not enough to build meaningful relationships.  But I'm stuck between committing and putting them at arms length. Friendships have expectations, but the ones I set on myself are overwhelming. I want to prioritize my success and spiritual life before anything. So some social sacrifices will have to be made... at the same time, i don't think I should be cutting them off to preserve my own stability. I can just inform them. I can just manage this , to balance it, but, when do I ever get to that? When there's a paper and pencil beside me, homework to be done, studies and notes to be completed, I find myself unable to talk to anyone.

I don't mind being alone as long as I have something to engross myself in. God, nature, a few books and you've completely lost me. I'm not with you, I'm slowly merging myself into the world.... but then I spring back up like a flower. I wonder, should I change my entire personality each time I spring up? Different colors, functions, behaviors, designs... but all of that can be done later. I need to focus in highschool. Because I'm going to work for NASA when I grow up. I want to be an astrophysicist, or at least, do aerodynamics. 

The only reason why I'm saying this is because nobody stimulates me. I hate thinking that I'm superior in any way. I don't like to believe in superiority or inferiority, and nobody is obligated to fit into my interests. I talk to them, yes. But I hate small talk. I'm patient, I can do it with acquaintances, but I want my friendships to have substance. I want to delve deeper than surface level topics. It's extremely hard for me to maintain friendships that I dont feel happy in. I do not feel alive. Everything feels so inane... Nobody understands what I am saying, what I'm talking about. I cannot find anyone that doesn't look at me like I'm crazy. I don't want to be labeled as another "schizophrenic" when I ramble or show interest in things. I am effusive, yes. But my classmates are exactly what I had mentioned before, I cannot socialize with them unless I understand internet lingo/memes,, or if I do not have a social media account. I want to hang out like people used to. But that's too boring for you, right? 

I tell myself they don't have to, because they really, they don't. But do you get what I'm trying to portray here? In short words, I feel stimulated with people who are intelligent, sincere and engaging. Nobody in this school has commonalities, and worse is that they look at me with confusion first and then act really passive aggressive. Either that or they ignore me, pretend to listen to me when their gaze has already averted to something else, sticking there. If you're going to talk to me, please listen or tell me when I should stop talking. Don't pretend to acknowledge me while your eyes are glued to the table. 

 I cannot form a genuine connection with someone if they can't comprehend at least one thing I'm interested in. I guess it's hard to be friends with me, and I don't pride myself on that. I can have standards, sometimes I'm quick to leave when people don't fulfill them, if they're not sincere about our friendship then I don't see a point in cultivating it.. I don't know. I don't like how picky and snobbish I can be. I want to be a well rounded person who can entertain myself with diverse individuals, but it hurts, because  knowledge is everything to me. If it dies then I start panicking, like a lot. I guess it's just one of my core values. Scary how they can project onto other people.

 People's kindness here feels so fake, I know when they're pretending and when they're whispering to their friends about me. I'm not being insecure, either. This is them. I know this. I watch this. My ideas are not something to be laughed at. They're something many individuals have shared for years. 

But everything is okay. The amount of homework and topics I will be going over requires a lot of my focus. That's my top priority. Aside from spirituality. I feel a lot of pressure when it comes to friendship. I'm thinking about abandoning everyone for the sake of directing my entire focus on my work. It's an expedient method, but if it's for my school work, then it must be worth it(?)(.)(!)