school and home life had long standing effects on how i socialize irl/social media/freind rewind

i think it pretty much started when i grew up as an only child since i really had no brothers nor sisters to begin with so I had somewhat free range + having cousins around (which I will get to later). If im going to be blunt, basically school/college was an escape to the toxicity of home and home was the escape from the toxicity from school/college so I really has no outlet to be sort of comfortable or open in a space where no person from school/college or a family member that knows me and Im just a stranger. But, I feel like with the amount of being put down from "friends" and family members whether it be close or distant has made me more closed off because in some scenarios that it was my fault in some of the problems between us; some of the problems that led to me in this position is also their fault for excluding me and forcing me to be "normal" ( i fucking hate when my parents put that shit onto me). Since I was recently diagnosed with GAD (Generalized Anxiety Disorder) and also getting therapy to it (as well as not allowing myself to get medicated); its been a bit better for me on how to navigate social situation with all friend groups in my college; which come to think of it, i have little or no contact anymore because either their excluding me, or their trying their best to get a hold of my emotions when I get upset that the connection dosen't seem to be balanced as if its more one sided and have a reason to exclude me. Its even worse when it comes to relationships, because i have had "situationships" that fall apart due to me being very worried about not making the other person uncomfortable that I always have to ask they if im making them uncomfortable, they say no at one moment, and the last moment they interact with me is yea. Its just honestly i do not like friend groups at all, im more so small knit friend group that 2 or 3; 4 is too much as ik how much i was disrespected in those ones. Even on here, i think due to my past; its hard for me to even have a lengthy convo and not small talk as I try to have convo but eventually i get left on read which is the same how my irl "freinds" treat me. I honestly fucking hate how I have GAD and can't understand social cues and what not; due to the mistreatment in all spaces from school, family and religous ones that I cant be myself any where without the fear of being judged for who i want to be.Hell even community college isnt going well, beacuse the same ppl who excluded me in high school, some of these mfs followed me and literally just swooped my "college freinds" to make it seem their better , I CANT FUCKKING TAKE THIS