school suckz (more than that)

im not really good at academics in any sense, i dont truly learn anything. i know most people consider me stupid bc tbh, i dont remember anytime throughout my years in school where they taught me basic stuff such as how to identify which country is in what continent pr whatever, unless i simply forgot it i guess. the best i can do is memorize things for a test and then forget it right after. I can do so well on quizzes throughout the semester and completely flunk the final, and then the final apparently reflects my work for the ENTIRE SEMESTER. I dont think it does at all, you see im not completely incapable if i am using the information daily, but thats not the case for most subjects i guess :/ i just dont want people to think that i want to be this way.

I know ive complained to my friends about it, I have tried asking for help but i feel like i cant accept the help or even want it, even tho i know i need it. If i keep up like this, i will definitely drive myself into a horrible fate. ik i sound lazy but i have tried spending all my energy trying to relearn content but most of the time it never played out well. plus it just makes it easier for me to feel like sh7t and convincing myself that nothing matters (in an negative way  duh). and it makes me more at risk of harmful stuff when asking for help bc i hate feeling dependent on others, i feel so incapable taht it brings me down and prevents me from doing things i probably couldve handled. ive had people tell me not to play down my issues even if it feels like its not the worst that people can have it, but every now and then i feel the need to let myself regress to a worse state, where thats all people can see just so I dont need to justify my feelings anymore. i feel the urge to list every reason or proof i have that im truly struggling, but i have been tryiong to avoid doing it as much because im trying to get over it. i used to dump my feelings on anyone i felt slightly comfortable with when i was severely depressed, but now i feel that way whenevr i feel vulnerable. i know its not the same anymore, but the feeling itself is overwhelming.

But ive managed to bring my grades up enough for now to graduate, just its really hard to and i dont understand how others do it without as much stress, or at least hide it better than i do. kinda unrelated but my classmates do better in school bc they used ai on everything, and that really pisses me off bc i refuse to use it and im sure that affects how teachers compare my work to others students "wrote". 

really i just want to grow my hobbies and relationships, thats when im happiest but unfortaneyl that alone is not enough for my life to be comfortable in the future. but even socializing is hard sometimes, even tho ive gotten good at masking it. nobody says it direvt;y to my face anymore, but i can tell by teh way im never the first person anyone would look out for whenever they need help for something. Ive only had my art teacher really express that hed appreciate me helping out others, hes super sweet and i appreciate him. but i still feel completely paralyzed from my own degrading. im tired of people telling me "nooo but ur so good at art!! ur really smart dont say that" i know that its nothing more than words. even tho art is smt im most experienced in, its still super messy, i somehow managed to start falling behind in art too. school just never leaves time for me to do what keeps me alive. 

i really dont think im suited for this life. i dont understnad how people accept it so easily. or why my parents thought itd be a good idea to have me while knowing id probably pick up their illnesses as well, without knowing if they really want to accept that id struggle in the 1st place. 

idk what i want to hear, ik that it feels impossible to save someone who just wont accept help. but i really dk what to do when im that someone yk?