sexual trauma

I swore to myself that I was going to make more positive blogs but sadly I am the gothiest goth to ever goth and cannot stop raving about the darkness and depravity and fucking EVERYTHING wrong with my life so. yeah. 

i have sexual trauma. Allegedly. I was allegedly sexually assaulted by my dad, sexually harassed at 10, and exposed to sexual material/actions by my mother because yes, I do think that having LOUD SEX with your children in the house is absolutely sexual abuse, specifically going under neglect because you dgaf if your children hear it.

I say ‘allegedly’ because I’m not really sure if it was sexual assault, and honestly, I don’t give a shit if it was. Is your father making you hug him and massage him in bed while he’s half-naked and being emotionally incestuous to you ‘sexual assault’? I don’t know if he had any sexual intent behind it. I think he was using me to replace his then-wife but I have no proof. The two people I’ve told this to said it was SA, and even if it wasn’t, my dad was still creepy which I agree with. But I’m just not sure. 

Sexual trauma is weird. I want to experience sexual things, I guess, but the second I hear anything sexual I get triggered. Pornography, mentions of sexual attraction towards real people, hearing my parents have sex, even seeing PDA in public all make me severely uncomfortable. Sometimes I get triggered and have full episodes of hyperventilation, homicidal ideation and ramblings, but nowadays I dissociate away from it. 

The enjoyment of the most intimate thing I can do with another has been taken from me. What brings you joy shall bring me endless pain and suffering; this is why I really relate to the scene in Arcane with Mel amd Jayce while Viktor is pretty much dying in the lab. Even though I know this isn’t what the scene means, the concept of me decaying, stressed, angry while the people I see have fun that they don’t even know is affecting me heavily resonates with me. It feels deeply violating, in a way.  Very violating. Why are you in my brain? Torturing me? For the love of God go elsewhere. Even the idea of people having sex in general makes me deeply distressed. I hate my sexual trauma. I hate how it connects to almost all of my being. I hate how the thing that started my paranoia wasn’t even rape, but fucking sexual harassment. I didn’t give a shit about being sexually assaulted because it probably wasn’t even sexual assault. It was SEXUAL HARASSMENT that started this. Fuck my life. I hate this. I wish I could destroy every sexual thing in the world.