She liked to bleed

never really understood sh till I tried it, never got why people would do it if it hurt them. 

then she told me to hit a styro and I was so scarred, but I was too reverent of them to let her down

so the thoughts of her poems and Osamu Dazai profile picture running through my head, i got some ice and a razor and barely did cat scratches😂

I was such a pussy, or I guess I still am because I sit at my desk staring at the razor wondering..feeling...

it was an out of body experience doing it for the first time, it felt like for the first time i was actually there, not behind my eyes, not lost in thought or feeling, but right there, sitting on my antique chair, cup of ice infront of me, just staring with dilated pupils, infatuated, just staring at my wet arm as blood slowly started to pour out. Weirdly enough I swear I can feel them on my arm right now

She said she did it because it felt therapeutic and yeah I can see it, bleeding out though not the cutting

Nothing has really changed since freshman year, or rather it just wrapped all the way back to how it was, staring at a screen all day, scrolling my life away as I watch the days go by faster and faster from the back of my head.

Swearing I’ll change, Swearing I’ll lock in, Swearing I’ll start tomorrow

But tomorrow never comes, because it’s always today. 

I get home, too tired to think, and open my phone out of instinct, then before I can form a thought it’s already 12pm

It helps me to not think of anything bad, but this isn’t living, what’s a life where im not even at the wheel from 4-11

At has helped me to connect with my friends and I do play seige with them often and I do hang out with them because of it but I feel crazy as I blink and it’s already 10:30. I don’t get much sleep theses days

I’m so frustrated with myself because everything that I hate I see in myself; words without meaning, addiction, stupidity. I’m the type of guy that’d I’d hate

I’m not sure if the razor infront of me would fix that, snap me back to reality and remind me that I am myself, but not like it’d matter anyway because I hate being hurt and even with the ice I can’t bring myself to change 

Ive been too depressed to work out all month either so that’s awesome

But the worst part, I want to keep seeing all my friends

I really want to keep watching anime 

I really want to live right now

And I want to feel bad that I don’t feel as bad as I should 

Sotd:“Through(remastered) instrumental”-800 cherries