Shooting my brain

Today i went out with my friends and i meet up with some old group I know, im a bit drunk now but i clearly see what’s wrong with me, i feel like a kid i cant do these things im not from here or from anywhere near this place, i know for a fact that i can make friends im not scared but were even am i? don’t understand this place i feel like a kid still after all these years i changed a lot but i cant understand this place i am just a kid, i hate my brain, i feel so full of things but they dont belong, just a random bag of old toys, how can this become better in the future, i dont want to die i am sure about that, but fuck where are my people? i can fake myself and have fake fun, can i even do that anymore i don’t know, i wanna be alone with my brain forever or shoot it and make another one that is like the people’s, I understand why people go to war, i want to be on the edge with someone, doing some things that no one else would, feel the fear, would do anything i want someone like me, would do anything