Should've spent my summer in a mental facility

Being in college sucks, that's true... But all of that were all of my responsibilities so technically it's all my burden and my parents paid me to get to that university and as muxh as I love them for their support, I felt like an idiot every single day and I couldn't even handle first semester... Can't believe my grades are declining rapidly.

If only I could've spent my days in the summer at mental facility reevaluating my thoughts and take control of myself. But no... My mom guilt trips me into going to my grandma's and all I did was NOTHING. Doom scrolling on the internet and wasted all my time that doesn't incline to my character growth. Why is it important for me?? It's because I'm already 18 and I need change myself alone to figure out what to do as soon as I'm legally an adult.

Because... I don't know, they way that all of the adults in the family still treats me like a child, like I believe I was infantilized and it made me believe that I have signs of age-regression...

What can I do for the entire summer if it wasn't like this... I wouldn't probably be actively using social media, do something creative like painting and writing stuff to my diary. It probably won't help but for sure atleast will progress that I'm doing something.

But it's too late, I'm already at the finals and I did the worst that I could do by skipping the final exam because I was ashamed... I was ashamed that I was late for exam that I run away. 

I have missing activities, requirments, responsibilites that I have evaded because I wasn't motivated.

I was pathetic for not trying to myself hard enough despite all of it, I failed to prove myself that I am capable of everything. But it's not true, I've done the same mistakes over and over and how did I even graduate? It felt like a crime of being incapable.

Maybe I wanted to die, not because life is getting difficult but it's more about myself, I make problems on my own and it's always myself who can lead to all of my problems. Atleast my mom wouldn't constantly be looking out for me if I if it wasn't for me, I would've definetely do better. I hate myself, I hate myself constantly and it's harder for me to shed a tear while I'm hurting myself, it's because I'm numb and I've been doing reckless things, I was an idiot for choosing the wrong path and the consequences are getting uglier and that karma is well deserved for me.

I wanna speak about it, but it felt irrelevant since people had the worst experience they have ever done and I'm always relaxed and did nothing, like it's better than an actual suffering. Atleast everyone did something better than I was...

My parents having enough money so I can attend to a university to pursue my career all for that to be wasted because of my terrible decisions. 

I hope that I rot 6 feet under, people will forget about me it's better this way.

What am I even doing with my whole life?