Skateboarding love and hate

I love skateboarding, I didn’t start young, I actually started by mistake about a year ago. I was buying a couple of graffiti cans and I ended up trying the boards they had there, and I loved the feeling. I actually learned to cruise pretty fast, and I also learned to go fast pretty fast. Then I moved on to some hills, going down stuff, all the basic reverts, etc. Now next, obviously, I moved to real tricks like a good moving ollie, kickflip, etc., and I started pretty good on them too.

Now the problem is that it is so tiring even if I'm just on flat ground. I am so, so impatient as a person. I want things immediately, and when I try tricks and they don’t click, I just keep going nonstop man, I mean nonstop, like literally hours. The problem is that the more I try, the shittier I get because I get so tired—my legs, my ankles, everything—and I leave the park when I can’t even ollie anymore. I don't skate every day obviously. I am not young and a kid anymore I got adult shit to do, bla bla, you know the horrors don’t you. So my body is not that used to it. In fact, my legs hurt right now as I'm writing this, not that i care about the fact or anything.

Not to mention when I go to the park and I see those super good skaters who do the flat tricks I'm trying to learn on a fucking ramp that I barely just know how to go down on, these things just fill me with jealousy. I wish I was good like them. I wish I started earlier so that my brain and body was more used to it, y'know.

I also usually skate alone. I know a few skaters but I barely see them to be honest. I skate with my friends that go on bikes and they don’t know anything about skateboarding. I need someone to help me, jk? Tell me stuff, watch me and see the mistakes, I just need the right advice and I will make it, I know it, I was considering a skate school but yeah I can’t afford that. 

Every day is so random for me. Some days I get better, some days I forget everything and just spend them trying to get my ollie fast high and clean again, and I hate it so so much because I feel like sometimes I don't even have control of my skills. They are just random, and I want extreme consistency and bolt-on perfection. Maybe that is what is dragging me back. I really don't know because I know zero skaters that actually help me. They are either extreme beginners or super good that they don’t even want to help in these basic things fuck.

I still love skateboarding but I feel so much stress and tension from it at the same time, just like how I felt about drawing a few years ago. But I got good at it, I think, because I had control in my hands and I knew what was going wrong because it was right in front of me. With skateboarding I barely understand what I'm doing wrong. Sometimes it takes days to see a flaw or even more! I know I can, my body is not that used to it but since I was a kid when I get something I just do it, I don’t have the fear. But failure, man, hurt so much. I feel genuinely bad about myself in the bad skate days, and I know I cannot stop this, at this point I take it so personally, I wish one day I will feel better about it :/