SO totally cringe and incompetent

I'm probably going to ghost this account but I can't help but complain about the fact that I can't socialise to save my life both online and offline.  I guess I just want a place to complain about my incompetence without it being too out there yk. ┐(´～｀;)┌

 I don't even really know how blogs work so I'm going to just use it as an online diary and hope that I don't humiliate myself for doing this all wrong . 

 Cringe shaming has stopped so many people from expressing things to it's fullest extent / potential and it scares me so much. I wish I could just live on the earth where everyone has disappeared or on a far away planet away from everybody else because no matter what they say, as long as someone has a different mind from you they will always be judging you, whether it's consciously or not ( ;´ - `;). And for some reason everything scares me, being judged definitely the most out of everything. I get such a big pit in my stomach and want to genuinely die anytime I feel like I'm getting judged in the slightest. 

I overthink ever social interaction I have because I'm terrified of looking bad in front of people and this has made me live such a shit life. This links to my incompetence when keeping friends and relationships in general. ｡°(°¯᷄◠¯᷅°)°｡

 Online I can never keep talking to the same person for longer than a few days because not only does it drain me socially, but I also get scared that I probably sound off-putting or weird over text and overthink until I end up ghosting them because avoiding my problems feels infinitely better than dealing with them even if it's only relieving for a short period of time.

 In person, I never greet the person first because I'm scared they may see me as desperate but I feel life if they do see me as a friend then ignoring them makes me appear cold. I remain stagnant socially with them until they make the first moves so I can base my behaviour around how they act so they can like ''me'' more and judge me less. ( ꩜ ᯅ ꩜;)  It works for a while until I either get burnt out and end up wrongfully hating the person because I now associate them with the feeling of being socially drained (even though they aren't at fault), or until someone else I speak to is there too and now both the personalities I've curated to be likeable, clash and look stupid and eccentric. (⸝⸝๑﹏๑⸝⸝)

I know people are always telling people like me to realise that we're overthinking or it's not even that deep but once you're in our mindset it's almost impossible to get out. I feel like such a shitty person because all I can think about is myself, my own insecurity and dependence on approval from others. How am I supposed to live like this for the rest of my life? AHAHSGAHAHA

This isn't a post complaining so that I can get friends, that isn't what I want because I know how it's going to end, but rather a small rant on how insulting and ridiculing certain traits and hobbies has a secondary effect on others possessing those characteristics.

I'm so tired and stressed because school's in two days (╥﹏╥) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

I'm probably going to delete this blog for the exact reason I wrote it if I ever go back on here lol.

byebye