I lived all of my life being told "Don't worry nothing happened" when something bad happened. I was blind the the truth all my life. I am 14 years old writing this. And I always just wanted, to know the truth.
That lead me to the darkest places. And when I told people, they would call me crazy. So, I acted native. To be honest, I don't even know what the book will be about. Realistic fiction? Physiological horror? Educational? Whatever it is, just prepare what your going to read.
What you will read is completely a true story of what happened to me in high school. I mean, I just started. But, the things that happened so far. As you can tell… The warning list is… Pretty long. So, you may be triggered. But even though I don't have a true meaning or plot to the story,
I want you to know… YOU ARE NOT ALONE. I went through hell, and if you did too, or, even worse. Then I know you feel like this is only YOU. But no, millions feel your pain. And I know, writing a book may be…
Overreacting. But I just wanted to share what happened and why. Of course, some of it is my fault. Obviously. I take responsibility for my lies. But this is just the beginning. Imagine what will happen later on.
It was the second week of freshman year. I knew it was going to be hard, but didn't expect it to be this hard. My grades were already failing on the second week and I couldn't understand anything. Some of my teachers didn't even teach.
But my science class was different. I already had a reputation, but though even I heard the whispers of my name from people and their loud mouth's. I was with my friends so, I was happy. There was somebody that stood out. A blue-haired man. He looked older than the rest. Maybe he was just failing this class? He was probably a junior or something.
I couldn't stop staring at him. He looked like me, alone, and cold to this miserable heating planet. So, I thought, maybe he was okay. My best friend went through this before. She would meet older guys and they would break her heart. I would say, maybe he is different. I could hear the faint sound of my teacher speaking as I starred.
Each time he looked, each time my heart pounded out of my chest. He was too far, though. He would never look at a girl like me. Besides, nobody does. I always wanted someone to look at me the way Romeo looked at Juliet. But love like that doesn't exist anymore.
Or does it? That's something I always asked myself. That's why… I admit. I was a bit of a homewrecker my whole life, going from boy to boy. Hoping to experience that love I always longed for.
Every time, would always end the same way. I would love and love, then it would crash down leaving me with nothing but hope for another person. With me alone, it made me feel like I need something or someone with my for my life. So, I can finally feel complete. But this boy made me understand my worth even when I never talked to him…
"Hey, Viona." My best friend, Maggie, nudged. I shook out of it, "h-huh?" I muttered and realized. Everyone was staring right at me. Did I do something wrong? "Viona. What is the formula to kinetic energy?" The teacher asked with a patient soft smile.
"I… Uh… I don't know…"
"We'll come back to you." He replied before picking on someone else. I starred to long again. I hate when this happens.I hear the whispers and laughs that make me want to shoot myself every time I talk. I learned to ignore it.
"Yo! Viona! My friend likes you!" Someone yelled. The class laughed. It was hard for me to keep my tears from falling like a waterfall. But he? He was the only one not laughing. Who is this kid? I would always think. But that stupid "my friend likes you" trick. It's something just to mock you in your own face. They really think I'm stupid. Well news flash: I'm not. I see how people look at me, like a ghost. I hate everyone here, but him? He looks at me confused. Like the Why are they picking at her? face.
Little did I know, I was going to sit next to him. God, sometimes I miss the tiny conversations we had together. Before everything went to shit. When that day came. All I kept thinking to myself was I look like a loser. Oh my God he's so cool. I'm going to mess things up.
Something weird about me was I like to draw fishes. I don't know, it's a weird doodling thing I like to do. But then I hear on my left a deep soothing voice, "Hey." It was him.
The words cannot express how much my heart was beating. More faster than a race car. (Is that weird to say?) "Uh… Yeah?" I awkwardly responded, "Are you in art?" He asked, "No… No, why?"
"Oh." He muttered, almost to himself, "You should be in art." He said. I just nodded. HOW DID I MESS IT UP THAT BAD??? I yelled in my head. I ruin EVERYTHING. I kept repeating. I was more than nervous. That was our first interaction.
Science class went by like a meteor. It was brunch after, "He's like… so cool!" I bragged to my friend, "He's in football you know?" My friend said, "Really?!"
"Yeah! I think my sister follows him on Instagram. I can give you his account if you want?"
"Yes! Yes please!" I eagerly responded. Worst idea ever. I should've never said yes.
She gave it to me like two days later. She probably forgot. But I soon got his account at home as I was on Instagram, I looked. I kind of cringed a bit. He does a bunch of… Selfies. He's a bit self-centered. But you know.. Maybe he's not aragont? Or one of those people who has themselves as their lock screen. So I saw one of his notes, "Is it bad to have a preference?" He posted. I was to scared to take to him directly so I responded, "Nah dude." It took him a while to respond back. Until it was a "Who are you?" He asked. Oh no. Bad sign. He probably thinks I'm weird already. "I'm the girl in your science.. The one that sits next to you?"
"Oh." "Her." I wanted to melt into the floor when he responded, "How was your day?" He added.
It wasn't long until we were having small conversations. I responded so fast to each thing he said, you would probably think I was a robot. We would talk about innocent things, like what animals we like, or what we would like to draw. I'm talking to a popular, handsome, football player. Am I finally going to get the ending I deserve? I thought. I know that wasn't innocent of me to think about that to a man way older,
but could you blame me? I felt loved. So goddam loved I thought I would throw up of love. I didn't really message anyone. But he? He would always say, "Good morning" and "Good night" every damn morning. It was one of those "Happy accidents." Though now that I look back at it… Happy is… The wrong word.
Everyday after school. I would get into my pajamas and talk to him. God did it feel so right. He felt so right, and in every way. Sometimes, when talking to him, I couldn't get my hand to stop sliding in my pants. It feels weird talking like this, or, typing like this. But I can't stop myself.
Looking back and rewinding to how I felt about him. I could feel the rush of excitement of imagining his hands on me. The fantasy with his hands on my throat.
Do I miss it?
The next day, I was with my friend again bragging about what he said, "He called me pretty!" "He said he liked my outfit!" "He likes when I call him!" I sounded like a K-Pop stalker. I never talked about anyone like this. For the first time in three years, I felt in love like this. I felt so… Fixed.
"What if he's like a pedophile?" One friend said, "He won't be? I mean… I'm not even pretty enough to rape." I muttered to myself. Silence. It came out louder than it should've, "Uh… I mean.. Uhm…" I just decided to shut up. It's better if I don't talk. It's always better if I don't talk.
I saw my other friends. They were sophomores. One fat chubby girl I kind of hated because I was jealous of her named Sapphire, a gay guy that liked me named Jaxon, and a cool emo girl named Karrisa.
"Hey Viona!" Sapphire yelled from afar. I just waved. Highschool was okay so far. I mean, I have a hot football player in my DMS, a lot of friends. What could possibly go wrong?
I still felt stares. But with my friends, it all disappeared with pure happiness.
At home I felt more happy. By myself since my dad leaves, and he works overtime. By myself, happy, and with my thoughts like a 5 star prison.
My heart was pounding so much it hurt. Whenever I would walk to school, I would look for him. Not like, go out there and look. I mean I would always look around as I walk to my friends. Somehow, he would never be anywhere. As I always bragged they would say, "I heard he hangs out with pedophiles…" "I heard he sent porn to a freshman…" I never listened.
You really REALLY can't blame me though… Okay. Maybe that's my fault. But why stop when you felt so loved? He would send me photos when he was at football practice. And sometimes bicep pictures… That would make me melt. God, how cringe that sounds to me now. Is that really how I thought?
And when we called… I would hear heavy breathing and I would ask, "What are you doing?"
"Nothing, just keep talking." He would reply each time. I know it was wrong, but it felt so right. I loved getting this side out from me.
You know, I always felt left out? Like a decoration to my "friends." But he? His main purpose, was me. And I couldn't stop praying to make more. I knew we were going to get caught one day. Who cares? I'm getting what I want! For years.
I always giggled at everything he said. To look more cuter… I knew that was the type of girl he likes… "What are you wearing?" He would type. "Why?" I would always ask. He would just face time me…
Am I going too fast? Probably. Lets take this down a notch. My father, somehow didn't know. But it felt like I was the cockroach in the situation. Every other weekend I would go to my mom's. And she had work. So I would always be in the room, texting him.
Nobody is probably reading this tbh but its best to js get it out
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