social exclusion and interaction

I’m at that point where no matter what you can do; you’ll never fit in a established friend group nor a study group nor a religious group nor a subculture; because I guess a person like me isn’t able to fit in so I stay home in my little house corner where I feel like I’m safe but at the same time I should have someone to talk about this yet at the same time the person may  have someone better at the thing that that I like to talk to or they have more knowledge than me then I do ; then then you get hit with imposter syndrome or being called about by larper/poser ; its a double edged sword, and no , the internet is a  horrible place to find folks with similar interests because 99% of the time, they ghost you or they turn out to be the most horrible person ever 

Like yes , I have been diagnosed GAD and should have more confidence; but I’ve been thrown out or self exited out from many groups and hell groups that I feel I don’t fit in. In some cases, the dynamic is imbalanced that unfortunately I have tendency to be emotional which eventually makes me look bad because I feel that the dynamic is unfair and not equal. 

I guess anytime I try to make a new friend or new friend group ; I get easily attached where I feel like I don’t wanna be left out right away because of years of being an only child and loneliness playing a factor of it all ; I mean it at a point where I don’t care anymore and accept it, but I don’t wanna be a dwelling doomer, there is still hope…..right?

It just yk looking back at the past I’ve been trying to ppl please or I guess entertain everyone to the fact that I don’t wanna be by myself again yet I can’t hold on tot hem long enough and eventually they’ll have better people and lives. Irdk how long do I have to be a “clown” just to get approval from “friends” that 99% time they leave me on read/delivered ; or just maybe they’re people that I have known but I’m not as close to their social circle as I would like to be close with them, maybe it’s jealousy idk. It’s at a point do I stop making new friends in order to stop the cycle of hurting myself or stop being lonely and try to make new friends. I don’t know these days are complicated that I feel like I’ve lost all social skills that ik I might fuck in the future if there is no equal value between either group or individual.