Sometimes, I just need him to frickin listen.

So my dad's owns this pretty big studio owner with a fuck ton of music equipment stuff yknow; a whole damn drum kit, 10 guitars or probably more, a keyboard, speakers, amps, bla bla bla. Old man even has a giant portrait of Kurt Cobain in the middle of his damn studio. 

And see, my dad has a thing about saying things he'll never do. Promising stuff just to make us kids feel better about things, and hey, while I know he means good by it but HOLY FUCK he needs to stop and listen to what he says sometimes. Like no, dude, you're never gonna employ me at your studio as some kind of apprentice in December because you've got big plans, and no he'll probably never get my kid siblings their damn phones cause we'd barely able to get by if he does, and my siblings will rot their brain even further. 

Another thing about my old man is that he often make promises of 'teaching' my kid brothers to do stuff they don't even give a fuck about. Like sorry dad, you're not even on here but my brothers don't give a flying fuck about learning to cook or even play the guitar cause they're more damn interested in playing roblox 24 fucking 7 every damn day. Some bullshit game about stealing eggs is what rages my kid brothers the most, NOT not being able to be with you, dad. 

And just because I'm a girl, he doesn't even think to think of saying the same to me, y'know? Like offer to teach me some knowledge about cooking actual food aside from frying stuff or how to play the fucking guitar- like he owns TEN for gods sake. When it comes to dear old me it's always about reading a fucking book and getting a decent job after I graduate like I don't know that, BOOO !!!!

I grew up during the times where he had his own band playing at our house. Like, I want to experience that too, y'know, maybe all over again with my own little band or whatever cause that'd be super fuckin awesome and I wouldn't feel like shit every time I think about not being good at fucking anything at all. The thoughts of this makes my eyes sweat but damn if I can't help myself from saying some shit. He's always saying I should do shit that's good for me but god almighty, they're all so damn boring. I genuinely wanna do something that'll make me feel good. I remember trying to write music or poetry when I was a kid and that never got anywhere cause the next necessary step is not being taught by the only person I know who could. 

I've thought about telling him about this. I don't know if he'll listen, and I myself don't even have the guts to get these words out without cryin or being rejected of the idea. I'm jst gunna go choke on my own tears and try to get over the fact.