Sometimes I underestimate how disconnected I am from nearly everything

I feel like this might be taken less seriously because of the layout, no I just like it.

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I've never really had a strong enough tie to anything, which through the lens of an average person would say is normal because not everything can stay together, but that isn't what I'm talking about

From the point of about roughly 5yr to now present day I've known earlier that me disconnecting from reality in itself to create a scenario in my head with sounds blasting in my head would lead me to nowhere and I've always thought I've had enough time to sort it out but now it's getting harder and harder to leave behind. (to no surprised obviously) But of course the more awereness I get the more I can't exactly pin point my thoughts on anything or anybody because I've never actually known anything or anybody, and you can't tie with anything you don't know. And tried to distract yourself from.

Reality, been disconnected from. Family, disconnected from. peers, disconnected from. environment, disconnected from. 

It has been that way for as long as I can remember and I don't know how long I can pass through so much and not feel nearly as fueled or filled up. It's the thought of just not taking in much of anything that scares me too, but when I am, it feels so unfamiliar for me and it punches me out of it.

Except I don't remember the last time that happened I think, if it wasn't obvious enough I'm forgetting everything, if I had to guess what actually could happen in those moments it would be the voice in the back of my head saying "you will go back to feeling the same way you always do when nobody's there" and honestly trying to distract myself more from that thought is also not helping, I have had more and more nihilist thoughts lately.