starting this digi diary with a BANG (a rant about my dad because i lwk hate him)

(TW!! implied mention of suicide)

Let's jump straight into it, so my dad is the most annoying father I have ever had (my only father ofc) and I just... UGHHH I just don't like him, I love him and all but he has lwk been very shitty lately. so my dad is homophobic and whatever, and if it wasn't obvious by looking at my page im kinda.... yk... something he'd despise with all of his heart, I don't know a part of me hates saying im gay even tho I am so except any mention ofme saying im gay being stupidly cryptic :|

So sadly my dad found out that I was yk... and like he was mad asf, ykw sucks, I never even came out, he just went through my messages and just snooped in them, I told him that lwk wasn't fair cuz if I did that to him I would be the one in the wrong, he replies in a very angry tone "I DONT FUCKING CARE, IM THE PARENT, KIDS GO MISSING BECAUSE OF THIS!!!!!" oh okay :/ . it gets even worse lwk, so he basically woke my mom up and she brought her into so he can read the messages out loud to us, ouch. he then said im a coward and selfish because i'm "spreading all these aids to these men and women" (at the time I used bi as a placeholder because I HATE saying im yk.... ) he mainly called me a coward because I was "running away from my masculinity" and to him being gay isn't being a man, so essentially im a failue since he basically has tried raisng me to be the perfect man or whatever. And what pisses me off is my mom did litterally nothing with her fat ass, look shes a good mom and all but she litterally didnt help at all, first off she said I was an idiot because I said I was bi in text messages or whatever, BUT BITCH THOSE WERE MY FUCKING MESSAGES U HAD NO BUISNESS READING, and second im apparently an idiot because they could be leaked or whatever, but lets be honest here ive had gay allegations since the 7th grade and people getting fake evidence of that so honestly it wouldn't be hard to call them fake.

God I hate my father he never actually listens to me, I dont think he likes me either, he only loves the idea of me, NOT me.  And everyone treats me like I'm just insane and a lunatic, IM the crazy one for being mad at my parents for not actually accepting me, and me being mad SPECIFICALLY to my father for trying to control me, and the moment I try to make my OWN identity, its a problem.

I hate how whenever I have an issue about my father IM the one in the wrong.

it also kinda get physical because during the whole argument anytime I tried to speak he'd cut me off, and I was EXTREMLY overwhelmed, I yelled out "WHY CANT YOU LISTEN TO ME PLEASE!!!" he didn't care and was more upset that I yelled at him, he sprung up and started yelling and then slapped the shit out of me, "DON'T EVER YELL AT ME" "IM YOUR FUCKING FATHER YOU HEAR ME" "THATS DISRESPECTFUL" mind u when he was saying this he was acting like a rabid dog, and then my mom was trying to calm him down and then she said that I was in the wrong for yelling and it was EXTREMLY disrespectful, and then they went on this stupid 1 hour rant of how my dad worked himself almost to death so that we can live in this house and whatever and not be poor. No one ever listens to me, NO ONE. (except my friends ofc that he hates that I talk and hang around because I apparently value them over him, which isn't true but shows how insecure he is.) This lwk is embarassing to write because I feel as if i'm being to negative or whatever, but I cant have a journal he will read it, I cant get therapy because THEY will tell them everything I tell them, and even if there is a therapist out there he wont snitch to my parents, it wont happen because my parents (specifically my dad) would choose one. No one can help, I can't get help, and like always I have to deal with these issues all on my own :) 

I just wanna move out and then dissappear from my family, so none of them can ever speak to me again, I wanna live my own in like this old 90s trailer n stuff, and I don't have to worry about my father hating a part of me because apparently its sinful, disgusting and evil. I hope I live long enough to actually have that happen, because my parents and this school have been pushing me further into death honestly, god I PRAY this doesn't break tos :/