Struggles wif Socialism

i  Think it is Fair 2 say i M incredibly socially inept ,, unfortunately...

i ve Been tinkin of quitting majority of Social Media , instagram mainly. i ve Thought of this countless of times but the One ting Stopping me is  Connections  .. in this day N age social Media is Legit a requirement or Yiu Will Have No frens. i H8 Being a Teenager ....

But even so,Wats the Point of holding on2 friendships that  don t  Even Exist ?.!

Everybody i have added on the gram  i Rarely Ever speak 2 . Or, these 'conversations' We have is Just sending Reels... which is i (think)) a Foundation in kids my ages' Friendships... it is Normal i guess. But it feels so Monotonous and as if we re  Not even Friends... But it is not their Fault... At Times i Can C that the other Person is putting Effort in trying to conversation wif me,But i Just suck so bad at Talking.... i Really Do Try , But i Always Fail and make it Awkward.... Wether it be Thru text or IRL.

IRL; its Always - Person approaches me, asks for my socials then never contact ever again.... it has Happened so many times... i don t Know how 2 Make friends :-[

Plus,i Have a Rule 4 myself 2 never Ever text furst,... uhrmm,, out of paranoia...     i M Afraid i d Bother People and Annoy them... so i don T  contact first at all.. and if the othe rperson Doesn t Neither     i assume i did somethin g Wrong or they Just Dislike me.. Even wif my Closests of Frens - i assume they have better frens 2 Accompany their Talkage ,no Need 4 me and that i M just Taking up unecessary Space.,

but then Again, when People do Try 2 talk 2 me , no reels no Nada ; REAL conversation!  i Freak out and fumble the talk .. it is really dissapointing ...  Genuinely i Thought my social Skills have improved significantly , especially this Year . Like i Can C Progress definitely , but at Times i   Just get this random Burst of   Fear   ,and i run Away from Everyone and Every Thing . it all Roots 2 My Fear of being Annoying - bothering others... Eventhough some Close frens Have clarified and reassured that they Aren t  Annoyed by my pressence , i Still Feel it... i Tink i M a Pretty Decent People Reader (lol i Hope atleast )) , and majority of the TIme i can Sense that the other person is Pissed / annoyed when i talk Too Much . then i ghost them when they Try 2 Talk 2 me.. Because then it Feels Like they re Talking 2 Me out of Pity.and it is Best i Finally give them the oppoturnity 2 'escape 'From the Annoying Terry.

it is so frustr8ingGoodbye ... i M Genuinely So Mad at myslef because i Know most of this isn nT  True !!! id Like 2 Believe Majority of People Have Good in them , instead of assuming everybody H8s me .. but there is Like  A Physcial Barrier in my Mind ., i can t Help But think that way. No Matter how many stupid socialising tutorials i Watch i still suck Butt i H8 Existing and  Socialising ... i Genuinely Wish i didn t Have 2 , but if i don t my Parents would worry and i Don T Want them 2 think i have No Friends Again and pity me . it feels super degrading and embarassing. i Remember in primary school they had 2 Come inside and have lunch with me at the canteen because i Had no Frens . And in Middle School Everybody Squeezed in a singular Table 2 Eat 2gether whilst i sit alone in a big ass Table Like Boii i felt so Guilty occupying a Whole table 4 myself ,,, No one wanted 2 Sit wif me .... then in High School i Just Ate in the Toilet Stalls... High school was the Absolute wors.t.. . but i Am In College Now .. and it is Much Better.. i Have frens 2 Hv Lunch wif, but they have THeir Frens Too. Nd they prioritise those Frens , which is Like #Fairs  since i Don T Even make good conversation. when theyre with THeir  Frens they seem Happier and Talkative . this is Why i Feel the Need 2 Leave Everyone , give them the peace because it is better without me. i Feel so so guilty taking away time that could be spent on other friends because i Am Not At All Worthy ... the Things i talk about is so boring .. in college Bro nobody Gives a Shit about minecraft im crying THe bullshit im into is also So childish and embarassing  Oh my god bruh if Only i Liked things like idfk labubu or something. so i can Get along with More people . im dead bro i cannot do this   Sorry 4 the Big Ass Rant Nobody Reading all this Anyway im Just Really Upset with myself i M Trying so Hard 2 Be John Socialiser but i Cannot bro i cannot ... 

Sorry 4 the shitload of Pessimism i DisLike this Too ... i Alway sTry 2 B Optimistic Only and Spread #Joy but i M Just Very Angry at myself and Everything R N ... i wi ll Probably Make a Jolly post L8r... sorry ... maybe a Hyrax Rel8ed Post.. . i ve Been wanting 2 Write a Hyrax info Blog .. Okai .. thatll be My Next one.. Promise it will Be Jolly No negativity ^___^