stupid

i really hate everything about myself. especially the way i look, i think i have horrible facial dysmorphia. i havnt once liked the way my face has looked, ive always wanted to change my features or look like other people. i dont like my body either but i try to ignore that. i cant ignore my face though. i genuinely hate it so much. i feel like makeup helps but also makes it worse. When i put on makeup i wonder why i even bothered to try to look nice in the first place because i just look dumb. people always tell me that im pretty when i say these things but i genuinely hate how i look it’s making me go insane. i also feel like i am good at nothing. i serve no purpose here. all of my interests are stupid and no one ever knows what i’m talking about i feel like. i’ve let down everyone i’ve ever known basically in some way bc i can accidentally be mean when i get too ahead of myself and i hate it.i miss talking to my 2 close online friends but they grew up and got lives and friends while i still can’t seem to like anyone. im a people pleaser but barely like people? also my roommate is like the opposite of me, we have the similar mannerisms and mental health  and that’s it. at least she has interests that contribute to the world while mine are just comedy sitcoms and actresses. she makes blogs on here so now i am too i guess. i miss my one highschool teacher, she always reciprocated appreciation and i feel she’s the only person ever to do that. she always believed in me and told me how great my art was. my only motivation for making art is to give it to people and now i have no one to give it to that will actually care like her. i hope she has a good school year, some kids call her mean when she is the most reasonable person ever. i also miss my old french teacher. i didn’t know she liked me that much until she nominated me for her only award. we always talked about squirrels for some reason, she was the sweetest. i like my one teacher now in college but i don’t have time to talk to her like i did in with people in high school. The only people i ever like are millennials pretty much, maybe it’s because they are grown up and are more reasonable people? idk, i don’t like many people my age at all. i’m writing this at night because i keep getting immense amounts of anxiety preventing me from sleeping. i don’t even know what for. back to the topic of online friends. i really wish i was irls with my friend mal. we’ve met in person and i think she’s the most coolest person ever. she often struggles and i wish i could help her but i feel useless not being with her. we don’t talk that often because she got a job and has friends. she always says she misses me but she forgot my birthday and it made me really sad because i would never forget hers. anyways, i can’t wait for fall and winter because i have been sweating so bad and i hate how my body looks in just a t shirt, i want to cover up in layers. i also hate hate hate my hair. i don’t know what to do to like it because ive dyed and cut it so many times and no matter what i end up not liking it after a little while. also, this is such a weird insecurity but i really hate my eyebrows and their placement. they are so low and close to my eyes and i feel like it closes up my face a lot, my bangs too. i can’t get rid of my bangs though because of horrible acne and i don’t like my forehead, plus my hair is really thin on the top left and right next to my bangs. i’m really just rambling now. i don’t think i’ll ever learn how to like myself. i’m genuinely just a loser as cringe as it sounds.